God had incredibly busty daughter!!

I found this story online and thought I would share it here. It seems that maybe I am mistaken, if God really  DOES have a busty daughter maybe I should reconsider my beliefs???

ARABAH VALLEY, ISRAEL—In a discovery that biblical scholars say could alter our most fundamental understanding of Christianity, recently unearthed manuscripts suggest that in addition to His Son, Jesus Christ, God also had a daughter with absolutely humongous breasts.
The documents, found in a cave near the Jordanian- Israeli border and estimated to have been composed circa A.D. 200, recount the life, teachings, and death of Jesus' well-endowed twin sister, Tammi of Nazareth. According to experts, the revelation points to a more dualistic conception of the divine, one with the male principle embodied in Jesus and the female principle represented by Tammi and her giant, heaving bazoingas.
"It's a monumental shift," said Boston College religion professor Paul Ferber, claiming that the newly discovered texts are more significant than the Gospel of Judas or the Dead Sea Scrolls. "Tammi has single-handedly undercut the male hegemony we've come to associate with the Christian faith, and added an important new dimension to the holy scripture."
"Also, the various sources are in clear agreement that Tammi had the most enormous jugs in all of Galilee," added Ferber, gesturing with his hands."Seriously. Like, out to here."
The existence of Tammi has caused scholars to reexamine the Trinity of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and replace it with a Quadrinity that includes the Daughter figure—though some, including Ferber, argue it should actually be reconstrued as "a five-way Quintinity, counting as two separate divine powers both of Tammi's bodacious watermelons."
According to the manuscripts, written in Greek on papyrus scrolls, Tammi led a ministry contemporaneously with her brother's. Although she promulgated similar ideas concerning faith, humility, and forgiveness, and appeared to possess the same miraculous powers, Tammi seems to have had more difficulty communicating her message. In one passage, for example, her disciples repeatedly coax her into washing their feet, apparently for a better vantage point from which to observe her "heavenly radiance." And while she, like Jesus, walks on water, the feat is described as almost disappointing to many onlookers, who had apparently hoped to see her run.
Professor Ned McCormick of Duke Divinity School said a complete understanding of Tammi's teachings will require decades of research, with particularly close scrutiny given to the dozens of detailed illustrations.
Explaining the difficulty of interpreting the texts, McCormick cited a passage that reads: "Saith Tammi, 'Consider ye this on the forgiveness of one's enemies: Let he who would slander you sup at your table, let he who would inflict…I saith unto thee: Look upon mine eyes, which dwell within mine head, and not upon mine bosom, wherein no wisdom dwells.' And then did Tammi snappeth her fingers together, saying, 'Seriously; I doth mean it. Up here.'"
"In all fairness to her disciples, it must have been impossible to concentrate with a couple of cannons like those in your face," McCormick said. "Especially in that desert heat, with nothing but a thin linen vestment between you and two of the most succulent milk-makers you've ever laid eyes on, beads of sweat slowly making their way down from her throat and running along the swells before descending into that perfect cleft between…oh my Lord."
The circumstances surrounding Tammi's death are unclear, but the texts seem to suggest that while she was not crucified, she did, like her brother, die in Judaea, rise from the dead, and ascend bodily into heaven in her early 30s, well before her breasts would have begun to sag.
While the documents make no direct mention of Tammi's participation in the Second Coming, Ferber said he would not be surprised if her followers held similar eschatological views and worshipped her as a kind of tandem messiah who would one day return to earth along with her brother, "her ginormous gazongas defying gravity as she descended bodily in glory from heaven" to establish the Kingdom of God.
"Maybe I'm just being hopeful," Ferber said, "but I'd sure love to see those holy ta-tas with my own eyes."

Thank you to The Onion for this great story!

George Carlin, the man, the myth, the LEGEND

Carlin,

One of the funniest comedians of all time. I found some of his greatest quotes and thought that I would share them with you all. Enjoy them, they make me laugh every time.

Always do whatever's next.
George Carlin

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
George Carlin

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
George Carlin

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
George Carlin

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
George Carlin

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
George Carlin

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
George Carlin

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
George Carlin

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George Carlin

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
George Carlin

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
George Carlin

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
George Carlin

Religion is just mind control.
George Carlin

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin

The status quo sucks.
George Carlin

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
George Carlin

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
George Carlin

Think off-center.
George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
George Carlin

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
George Carlin

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
George Carlin

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
George Carlin

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
George Carlin

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
George Carlin

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
George Carlin  

Great Quotes from Great men and or women...

I stumbled upon these quotes in my travels across the internet (invented by Al Gore) while wearing my pants (invented by GW Bush). I thought I would share them with you all.

Enjoy!

1. Religion easily has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
2. Atheism: A non-prophet organization.
3. I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
4. Which is it, is man one of God’s blunders or is God one of man’s?

5. Faith means not wanting to know what is true.

6. Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.
7. What I see in Nature is a magnificent structure that we can comprehend only very imperfectly, and that must fill a thinking person with a feeling of “humility.” This is a genuinely religious feeling that has nothing to do with mysticism.
8. It seems to me that the idea of a personal God is an anthropological concept which I cannot take seriously. I also cannot imagine some will or goal outside the human sphere. … Science has been charged with undermining morality, but the charge is unjust. A man’s ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties and needs; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.
Albert Einstein, “Religion and Science”, New York Times Magazine, 9 November 1930
9. If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
10. The most henious and the must cruel crimes of which history has record have been committed under the cover of religion or equally noble motives.
Mohandas K Gandhi, Young India, July 7, 1950, quoted from Laird Wilcox, ed., “The Degeneration of Belief”
11. I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.
12. “It ain’t those parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.”
Mark Twain
13. A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.
Mark Twain
14. What God lacks is convictions — stability of character. He ought to be a Presbyterian or a Catholic or something — not try to be everything.

15. Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
Mark Twain, quoted from Curmudgeon-Online
16. “In God We Trust.” I don’t believe it would sound any better if it were true.
17. Shake off all fears of servile prejudices, under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God, because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear.
18. We are afraid of the known and afraid of the unknown. That is our daily life and in that there is no hope, and therefore every form of philosophy, every form of theological concept, is merely an escape from the actual reality of what is. All outward forms of change brought about by wars, revolutions, reformations, laws and ideologies have failed completely to change the basic nature of man and therefore of society.
19. The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason: The Morning Daylight appears plainer when you put out your Candle.
Benjamin Franklin, the incompatibility of faith and reason, Poor Richard’s Almanack (1758)
20. Lighthouses are more helpful then churches.
21. If God has made us in his image, we have returned him the favor.
Voltaire

22. Those who believe absurdities will commit atrocities.
23. Black holes would seem to suggest that God not only plays dice, but also sometimes throws them where they cannot be seen.
Stephen Hawking, NATURE, 1975
24. We could call order by the name of God, but it would be an impersonal God. There’s not much personal about the laws of physics.
25. Tradition becomes our security, and when the mind is secure it is in decay.
Jiddu Krishnamurti
26. The constant assertion of belief is an indication of fear.
Jiddu Krishnamurti
27. What can be asserted without proof can be dismissed without proof.
Christopher Hitchens
28. Christopher Hitchens On Jerry Falwell: If you gave Falwell an enema, he could be buried in a matchbox.
29. Religion is an illusion and it derives its strength from the fact that it falls in with our instinctual desires.
Sigmund Freud
30. Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people.
Karl Marx
31. The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
George Bernard Shaw
32. Men never commit evil so fully and joyfully as when they do it for religious convictions.
Blaise Pascal Quote
32. You’re basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.
Richard Jeni Quote
34. With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.
Steven Weinberg Quote

35. The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.
Delos B. McKown Quote

36. Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.
Edward Gibbon
37. Our ignorance is God; what we know is science.
Robert Ingersoll
38. The foolish reject what they see and not what they think; the wise reject what they think and not what they see.
Huang Po
39. Where knowledge ends, religion begins.
Benjamin Disraeli Quote

40. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish.
Quote from Unknown

41. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
Dave Barry
42. Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?
- Epicurus Quotes

43. The opposite of the religious fanatic is not the fanatical atheist but the gentle cynic who cares not whether there is a god or not.
Eric Hoffer Quotes
44. I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
Bill Maher
45. There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.
46. If we go back to the beginning, we shall find that ignorance and fear created the gods; that fancy, enthusiasm, or deceit adorned them; that weakness worships them; that credulity preserves them and that custom, respect and tyranny support them in order to make the blindness of men serve their own interests. If the ignorance of nature gave birth to gods, the knowledge of nature is calculated to destroy them.
Baron D’Holbach, cited in Jonathan Miller. (2004). A Brief History of Disbelief [TV-Series].
47. If I thought the Jews killed God, I’d worship the Jews.
Bill Hicks
48. Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.
Isaac Asimov
49. A belief which leaves no place for doubt is not a belief; it is a superstition.
José Bergamín
50. One of the great tragedies of mankind is that morality has been hijacked by religion.
Arthur C. Clarke Quotes

It's a MIRACLE!!

I was driving to work this morning, and I was running a little late. It's not unusual, I hate waking up so getting out of bed on time is a challenge for me every day (I have to get up at 5am to get to work on time).

This morning I hit the snooze bar one too many times and didn't get out of bed till 5:20am. When I realized that I was late, after the obligatory cursing that comes from realizing you are running late for work, I got up and got in the shower, dressed and hurried my way out the door to work.

Now here is where the MIRACLE from God happened!!

My drive started out like it did every other day, but this day God was on my side! The reason I say that is this: I hit EVERY light green from my house to the freeway! Yes, that's correct, it had NOTHING to do with traffic patterns or timing or driving the speed limit. It had EVERYTHING to do with God taking the time to change all the lights to green BEFORE I got to the intersection. It was a MIRACLE, I didn't even have to pray for it, God just gave me green lights! I am sure it was because I was THE ONLY PERSON that needed to be on time for work so God took the time to make sure I got there on time.

It's funny how people will thank God for getting them to work on time or the food that farmers grew, grocery stores sold and THEY bought. But, if something goes bad for these same people, it's NOT Gods fault, it's theirs as they must be getting 'tested' by God for some reason. Wow, so God gets the kudos but YOU have to take the rap if something bad happens?

I WANT GOD'S JOB!

I would love to take credit for good stuff, and NEVER be responsible for the bad stuff!

Where do I sign up?

If you aren't christian, GO TO HELL!

It seems to me that, that appears to be the motto of every bible thumping 'missionary' for Christianity on the planet.
This message isn't new however, in 1939 there was a certain world leader that touted that very message along with 'If you aren't German, DIE!' This fellow took the time to burn books, imprison the handicapped and gypsies as well as homosexuals. Eventually that same 'leader' put over SIX MILLION people to death.
Today, while at work, one of my employees was talking to another employee about terrorists and what should be done. Their solution was to imprison or deport all people of Islamic faith. REALLY?? This is the Christian solution?
I only ask this because there are more than a few evangelicals preaching drivel of this sort all over the 'Christian' network channels. Nearly every show spends at least a third of it's time preaching this very philosophy of 'If you aint Christian, you are evil and should be stopped!'
Last I checked there are plenty of decent, hard working and very caring NON CHRISTIANS in the world. Just because one doesn't view 'God' the same doesn't make them evil, JUST DIFFERENT.
And of course there's me....

Being an Atheist makes it worse, after all people (and this has been empirically proven) trust murderers and convicted criminals before they trust an 'open' Atheist. That is just SAD. If you want someone trustworthy, look for someone that doesn't wallow in self deception and you will find an ATHEIST. If you feel that is untrustworthy, I think maybe you need to look inside and find out why you feel so very threatened by a logical, overtly honest person. After all, to be an Atheist, one must be honest with oneself first and see the world and the universe as it truly is. Beautiful, amazing and NATURAL. NOT Supernatural!

Love ya all.

I would like to thank God for the following:

You know I am inspired to write and thank God for all that he/she/it has done for me over the last few decades. I would be remiss and ungrateful if I didn't take the time to say a little prayer and thank the Supreme Being/Creator for all that I have and have accomplished.

Here is my list of things I would like to thank God for in brief: ..... RIIIIIIGHT!

My existence! Without God I would not exist. After all, without God's influence, my parents would NEVER have made love and created me! They would just have had a sexless marriage and been childless.

My siblings! Again, without God, my parents would NEVER have had sex and therefore NEVER had any children whatsoever.

My Job! Yes, it was ALL God's doing that I am employed! God went to the job interview, influenced the interviewer to hire me and even wrote my resume!

My wife! Without God's inspiration, she would have stayed in her previous relationship and been supremely happy with her verbally abusive asshole of an ex husband!

My Son! Without God's help, I would never have had the wherewithal to make love to my wife and create our son!

Whiskey! Yup, you guessed it, God created the whiskey and helps me to have a glass every now and then!

My truck being paid off! Without God writing the checks, I would NEVER have paid it off! It had NOTHING to do with my budgeting and paying the bill!

Golf! God created it, he inspired me to enjoy it and even made me a decent player. I didn't even have to practice!! Yes God made me a golfer!

Football! Without God's influence, I would never have become a Redskins Fan!! I am sure though that God is a bit disappointed that it's mostly played on Sundays. Then again, he is probably a Cowboys fan so it really doesn't matter what he thinks on that count.

This is just a small list, I am sure I could have thanked God for electricity, air, water and of course gasoline and computers but hey, I didn't see the point in overkill. Let's just say that I am blessed that God has done all these things for me and NOBODY had to put in any effort whatsoever to make these things happen!

Thanks God.............................................................................................

For nothing.

Another Christian Zealot Group Exposed.

It has been a while since I posted, for that I apologize. Life has kept me busy and also given me TONS of material.

I have to say though one thing that lit my fire - or should I say pissed me off was while channel surfing (something I do with regularity, I swear I have T.V. A.D.D) I came across this goofy, glasses sporting guy hosting what appeared to be a cheap imitation of  "The No Spin Zone" that of course caught my attention. I should have paid more attention to the channel on which the show was airing, had I done that, I probably would not have given it much thought; it was on the Inspiration channel. You know, one of the 10,000 bible thumping, let's send money and have T.V group prayer channels; the kind of thing you watch to be amused and get a good laugh, NOT a channel to be taken seriously by any THINKING, RATIONAL Individual.

I watched this show unfold, at first the host ranted about how "Christian Values" were being corrupted by a Secular Government, run by Atheists and non-believers. (correct me if I am wrong, but wasn't the US of A founded as a SECULAR body?) At that point I was going to simply discount the host as yet another "Religious Nut-Job" and change the channel, maybe I should have. I would have simply laughed him off as nuts and moved on. I didn't, I watched it, like you would watch a train wreck unfold; in disbelief. It was one of the most hate filled diatribes I have ever had the displeasure of witnessing.

After the short speech about the Evil Non-Christian people in America, he proceeded into the meat of the broadcast; It appears that there is a group of Muslims that want to build a Mosque near (within a couple blocks) of "Ground Zero" in NY. The host went on to talk about how horrible it was that ANYONE would consider allowing "Terrorists" to build THEIR buildings anywhere near the "holy ground" that is Ground Zero. He talked about how "this is proof" of our loss of "christian values" and that we should call to "put our names on a petition to STOP the 'terrorists' (read: non-christians) from building a Mosque near Ground Zero."

I called the number, and of course the person on the phone began with the same hate filled rhetoric I had just heard on the television program, after about thirty seconds of listening to this the phone person asked me if I would like to "Make a donation of only $100 - $200 dollars to help 'Jay' take the fight to stop the terrorists all the way to the Supreme Court". At that point, I hung up disgusted and annoyed. We have a person with a TV show spouting "christian hate" and inciting people to join him in his hate and anger towards 'non-believers', and THEN they ask for Money! NOW I GET IT, much like the TV Evangelicals, this group is fomenting hate and discontent to pad their pockets. Will there ever be a petition to stop non-christian groups from building their religious structures? I think not. I did some research on this ACLJ Group and found some interesting stuff:

First this organization was founded by: Pat Robertson - You know this asshat - he founded the Christian Coalition -

Here are some interesting facts about this group:

* ACLJ is a strong supporter of the Federal Marriage Amendment intended to ban same-sex marriage.

* ACLJ strongly opposes the right to legal, safe abortion and provides legal help to pro-life protesters who harass women seeking reproductive services.

* The ACLJ challenges domestic partnership benefits for city and state employees, anti-discrimination ordinances that include sexual orientation, and generally fights against the right of gays and lesbians to be parents.

* ACLJ defended a group of parents who drove a transsexual teacher out of her job in Minnesota.

* Supported a Kmart pharmacist who refused to dispense birth control pills.

* Pursued litigation over various claims that children are being told that they cannot pray on school grounds or talk about their religion.

Here is a quote from the chief council:


"Can you imagine, that in public schools of America today, students are being taught that homosexual conduct, which in many states is still deemed illegal, is not only a viable alternative lifestyle, but is actually equal to heterosexual relationships?"
– Jay Sekulow, January 2, 1997, Danbury News-Times

The hate mongering and profiteering needs to stop. This guy is almost as vile as Jim Jones. The only difference between Jonestown and Evangelical Christianity is that the Evangelicals have their own TV Networks and due to their large numbers get away with abusing and fomenting hate and distrust of anyone that chooses to believe something OTHER than Christian Dogma.

Are we as "non-believers" supposed to sit back and allow this to continue? I would urge every single person who is as offended as myself to not only boycott the ACLJ and their hate tactics, but to voice your discontent and disbelief at their behavior in whatever medium you have available to you, post signs in your yards, windows, create bumper stickers and flyers, repost this to every blog you can find, post your thoughts on this on the blogs and newgroups that participate in this obscenity. Let your voice be heard, we cannot as a group of Free Thinking Individuals let this continue unabated, we need to push back before we are pushed out.

Let me clarify something, I am NOT Muslim, Jewish, Christian or any other religious or ethnic group. I am not a homosexual looking to fire up a defense. I am simply a free thinking person that has seen and heard enough to be sickened by the hate and anger being spouted.

Matter of fact, I think every time I find a place to post my disbelief at this behavior I will do so.

Atheists and Non-Christians, let your voice be heard.