After much thought on the subject and with my recent change in title to Reverend, I thought it appropriate for me to be the pastor of a church. In the vein of many great 'pioneers of religion' - Joe Smith, I am looking at YOU - . I considered all the current religions and one by one ruled them out.
Christianity:
Pros:
Built in following - long as I quote scripture I am "in like Flynn".
Cons:
It's hard to believe or sell something that is patently false. Almost all of Christian Mythos is borrowed from other religions and cultures. - see Mesopotamian culture and religion -
Islam:
Pros: See Christianity
Cons:
Any group that believes it's OK to kill someone for not joining their religion has some serious issues. - just can't see myself doing that.
Judaism:
Pros: One of the oldest religions on earth - See Christianity for more..
Cons:
Historically persecuted group. - I really don't want to be part of a group that is consistently hated and where other groups are always pushing for your extinction.
The myriad other faiths and pseudo-religions:
Not much into witchcraft or worshiping the sun, trees or cows so this is out. It's even MORE ridiculous than any of the above listed religions. Although, the FSM (Flying Spaghetti Monster) sounds interesting, not really my cup of tea. Worshiping Pasta has never been something I can get behind fully - although Pirate Day is kinda nifty.
I came to the conclusion that I needed to form my own religion. Complete with rules, holidays and leadership. I again borrowed from Joe Smith - he had a good idea, just missed the boat on a couple areas-
I need to start by explaining that after researching all the existing religions on earth and contemplating my place in the universe I found that all the religions on earth were completely SCREWED UP! They all have one thing in common a God they say is loving but that blackmails the followers into doing good things and following the rules. This seemed WRONG to me, why would any God want to blackmail his followers? You would think if God existed he/she/it would simply impart the 'universal truth' of said existence and all the people of the earth would simply accept it and follow along. No need for punishment. Everyone would do what they were supposed to because they knew it was the right thing to do. I have therefore, without a vision or divine intervention created a religion that all reasonable, logical and intelligent folks should find appealing and call themselves members of.
The Church of the Assimilated Virgin
Rather than worship a god, all the members will simply subscribe to a philosophy of Logic, Reason and Intelligence. The members will allow Science and PROVEN facts to guide their decisions. There will be NO preaching, or proselyting. Anyone that wishes to join simply chooses to and they are members. No baptism or conversion required. Just intelligence and reason.
The Five VERY Strong Suggestions:
There won't be ten commandments, only Five Suggestions. The reason behind this is simply you won't be wasting time on worshiping 'one god' or another or keeping certain days holy. As a member, you only need to pay attention to the suggestions and of course if you follow them you will have a less stressful life, just because you won't be doing stupid things that cause stress!
Suggestion 1: Don't steal stuff - it's just not a cool thing to do. Not to mention you tend to get yourself in trouble with the courts and law enforcement when you steal stuff.
Suggestion 2: Don't go round killing and maiming people and animals. - this is obvious, no explanation needed.
Suggestion 3: Be good to everyone - Simply put, if you are good to folks, they will be good to you.
Suggestion 4: Pay your bills on time - I know it's not a spiritual thing, but hey this isn't a spiritual organization.
Suggestion 5: Enjoy the little things. Take the time to savor your food, smell the roses, enjoy a sporting event etc. Just have a good time and enjoy life. You only get one shot at it, don't waste it being miserable.
Far as meetings go, we don't have any. You don't need me or anyone else to lead you. You are all intelligent, free thinking people that don't need some 'leader' telling you what you should do and when to do it. You won't be asked to donate anything to the church. You won't be asked to do any kind of service to the church. This is just about being you and enjoying it. Do just that. Of course, if one wanted to donate to the church, it would like all donations be tax deductible.
We don't have a chapel, your world is the chapel. --Pick up after yourself will ya?
I don't have a website or an official membership list, if you want, just tell folks you are a member and maybe just maybe it will grow and be the largest Non-Church on the planet :) -- one can dream right?
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
I am now an Ordained Minister!
Can you hear the thunder? Fundamental (key portion of this being 'mental') Christians are all jumping up and down and screaming blasphemy!
It's true. I am now an Ordained Minister - I can perform weddings etc. All the benefits and privileges of being clergy are now MINE!
No, I did not 'jump ship' and become Christian. I didn't lie and deceive my way into being a minister. I am now an Ordained Atheist Minister. Yes, that's correct. An Atheist Minister.
You too can become an Ordained Atheist Minister. Yes, it's official. I am ordained through the First Church of Atheism. - Sounds like an oxymoron I know, but hey it's all legit and now I get to put Rev. in front of my name and MEAN it. It's great.
By no means am I saying every Atheist should become a Minister. I just wanted to share it with you my happy friends and fans.
Oh and all you religious folks with the 'corner' on this: SUCK IT!
Love and kisses...
It's true. I am now an Ordained Minister - I can perform weddings etc. All the benefits and privileges of being clergy are now MINE!
No, I did not 'jump ship' and become Christian. I didn't lie and deceive my way into being a minister. I am now an Ordained Atheist Minister. Yes, that's correct. An Atheist Minister.
You too can become an Ordained Atheist Minister. Yes, it's official. I am ordained through the First Church of Atheism. - Sounds like an oxymoron I know, but hey it's all legit and now I get to put Rev. in front of my name and MEAN it. It's great.
By no means am I saying every Atheist should become a Minister. I just wanted to share it with you my happy friends and fans.
Oh and all you religious folks with the 'corner' on this: SUCK IT!
Love and kisses...
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
I live in a "Nanny State"! Welcome to the Greatest Sham on Earth.
Here I am the other night watching the evening news when they run a story about how one state Senator from Ogden is trying to ban "flavored tobacco". His reasoning for this: "Kids might think it's candy." I don't know about everyone who reads this or will read it, I am SURE though that if you have children, you are pretty damn sure that YOUR children KNOW that tobacco in ANY for is NOT CANDY!
Granted, flavored tobacco does smell sweet and of course tastes 'close' to the flavor it is scented to be -grape, mint etc.- it is still NOT obviously CANDY. To prove his point, this MORON (mormon) Senator goes to a Boys and Girls Club with a news crew and 'stages' a 'smell test' with three blind-folded little kids. Under their noses in glass jars he waves a piece of candy, a grape flavored cigar and some mint chewing tobacco. He then asks the blind-folded kids to tell him what they smell. Of course all the kids say "Candy". Since the first thing they smell IS CANDY. Once the blind-folds come off, they ask what they see and all the kids say "ooh tobacco" with consternation and feigned sickness on the faces.
The senator in question then of course says the reason for the ban is to stop evil companies from enticing children to use a product that they CANNOT even purchase unless they are an ADULT.
I realize that the WOW (Word of Wisdom) bans tobacco; mostly due to Joe Smith's wife getting pissed off about cleaning up the spittoons that his friends used. But, really if an ADULT has the right and privilege to purchase a product that is LEGAL to consume, regardless of flavor, the ADULT should have to OPTION to purchase it if they want to.
The frustration of this issue is this: Why does the predominant religion here in Utah (read- Mormons) have to try and BAN adults from using legal products? They already ban Porn, anything harder than a beer from being sold in grocery stores and of course free thought and expression. (go ahead and try to have a dissenting opinion in this state), anyone that does is labeled a Nazi or worse and then pilloried in the media.
Oh and if you aren't mormon, you are screwed out of many jobs, promotions etc.
Welcome to the Nanny State of Utah. It's the greatest sham on earth!
Granted, flavored tobacco does smell sweet and of course tastes 'close' to the flavor it is scented to be -grape, mint etc.- it is still NOT obviously CANDY. To prove his point, this MORON (mormon) Senator goes to a Boys and Girls Club with a news crew and 'stages' a 'smell test' with three blind-folded little kids. Under their noses in glass jars he waves a piece of candy, a grape flavored cigar and some mint chewing tobacco. He then asks the blind-folded kids to tell him what they smell. Of course all the kids say "Candy". Since the first thing they smell IS CANDY. Once the blind-folds come off, they ask what they see and all the kids say "ooh tobacco" with consternation and feigned sickness on the faces.
The senator in question then of course says the reason for the ban is to stop evil companies from enticing children to use a product that they CANNOT even purchase unless they are an ADULT.
I realize that the WOW (Word of Wisdom) bans tobacco; mostly due to Joe Smith's wife getting pissed off about cleaning up the spittoons that his friends used. But, really if an ADULT has the right and privilege to purchase a product that is LEGAL to consume, regardless of flavor, the ADULT should have to OPTION to purchase it if they want to.
The frustration of this issue is this: Why does the predominant religion here in Utah (read- Mormons) have to try and BAN adults from using legal products? They already ban Porn, anything harder than a beer from being sold in grocery stores and of course free thought and expression. (go ahead and try to have a dissenting opinion in this state), anyone that does is labeled a Nazi or worse and then pilloried in the media.
Oh and if you aren't mormon, you are screwed out of many jobs, promotions etc.
Welcome to the Nanny State of Utah. It's the greatest sham on earth!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Boyd K. Packer Proves GOD DOESN'T EXIST!
In a recent address made at the L.D.S Church General Conference, Boyd K. Packer made some interesting statements. The gist of his address was admonishing the members of the L.D.S Church for using pornography or being gay. (IE. Being HUMAN!)
I am going to dissect his address one statement/paragraph at a time and add my responses to what are Mr. Packer's own words.
From what I have seen, the good ole' boys below seem to be doing ok even with those horrible homo's running round wanting to get married and all. Thanks Boyd for proving that with your rhetoric god/heavenly father does NOT exist. If he did, I am SURE he would come down here, kick you in the jimmy and tell you, "you are a bigot and an IDIOT".
I am going to dissect his address one statement/paragraph at a time and add my responses to what are Mr. Packer's own words.
“There are those today who not only tolerate but advocate voting to change laws that would legalize immorality, as if a vote would somehow alter the designs of God’s laws and nature,” --Last I checked, it wasn't up to you, me or the Government to either criminalize or decriminalize who I sleep with or what I look at or choose to read. From the civics courses I took in school our fair country was founded on the principle that all individuals are afforded the inalienable RIGHT to the pursuit of happiness. This means that ALL people have EVERY right to be WHO THEY ARE AND WHAT THEY WANT TO BE.
“A law against nature would be impossible to enforce. Do you think a vote to repeal the law of gravity would do any good?” --WE aren't talking about The Law of Gravity. WE are talking about SEXUAL PREFERENCE. Why would anyone want to legislate that? Next, the Church will be telling everyone that "You as a good little TBM must only be attracted to someone of the opposite sex that has the same hair color as YOU". Really? That is just stupid. Boyd, you will have to do better than that.
Some argue that “they were pre-set and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural,” he said. “Not so! Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember he is our father.” -- I am not going to even go there. I am NOT a scientist so I can't say either way if it is genetic (although science seems to believe so). Boyd you asked the question, being that you are a "witness" to the 'savior' you tell me! Why would a god do that? If I were god, I would certainly NOT create a situation where a creation of MINE were flawed, then BLAME THEM for the FLAW that I a PERFECT being created.
“We cannot change; we will not change,” the senior apostle declared. “We quickly lose our way when we disobey the laws of God. If we do not protect and foster the family, civilization and our liberties must needs perish.” --Really? What happened to blacks holding the priesthood? What about the teachings that when Native American Children joined the church they turned white? What about polygamy? What about WOW (word of wisdom)? You didn't even have that till Joe Smith's wife got pissed about mopping up tobacco juice after Joe's meetings with HIS APOSTLES. Seems to me that the church changes its stance whenever and however it is most politically expedient to get what the church wants, which when boiled down is more little revenue generators, paying their 10% and building more temples all over the globe.
So a few gay couples getting married are going to tear down civilization as we know it? Wow, god must NOT have thought that one out before he ALLOWED homosexuality to happen huh? What liberties will we lose by the existence of homosexuals? Name one, I can't.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
God had incredibly busty daughter!!
I found this story online and thought I would share it here. It seems that maybe I am mistaken, if God really DOES have a busty daughter maybe I should reconsider my beliefs???
ARABAH VALLEY, ISRAEL—In a discovery that biblical scholars say could alter our most fundamental understanding of Christianity, recently unearthed manuscripts suggest that in addition to His Son, Jesus Christ, God also had a daughter with absolutely humongous breasts.
The documents, found in a cave near the Jordanian- Israeli border and estimated to have been composed circa A.D. 200, recount the life, teachings, and death of Jesus' well-endowed twin sister, Tammi of Nazareth. According to experts, the revelation points to a more dualistic conception of the divine, one with the male principle embodied in Jesus and the female principle represented by Tammi and her giant, heaving bazoingas.
"It's a monumental shift," said Boston College religion professor Paul Ferber, claiming that the newly discovered texts are more significant than the Gospel of Judas or the Dead Sea Scrolls. "Tammi has single-handedly undercut the male hegemony we've come to associate with the Christian faith, and added an important new dimension to the holy scripture."
"Also, the various sources are in clear agreement that Tammi had the most enormous jugs in all of Galilee," added Ferber, gesturing with his hands."Seriously. Like, out to here."
The existence of Tammi has caused scholars to reexamine the Trinity of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and replace it with a Quadrinity that includes the Daughter figure—though some, including Ferber, argue it should actually be reconstrued as "a five-way Quintinity, counting as two separate divine powers both of Tammi's bodacious watermelons."
According to the manuscripts, written in Greek on papyrus scrolls, Tammi led a ministry contemporaneously with her brother's. Although she promulgated similar ideas concerning faith, humility, and forgiveness, and appeared to possess the same miraculous powers, Tammi seems to have had more difficulty communicating her message. In one passage, for example, her disciples repeatedly coax her into washing their feet, apparently for a better vantage point from which to observe her "heavenly radiance." And while she, like Jesus, walks on water, the feat is described as almost disappointing to many onlookers, who had apparently hoped to see her run.
Professor Ned McCormick of Duke Divinity School said a complete understanding of Tammi's teachings will require decades of research, with particularly close scrutiny given to the dozens of detailed illustrations.
Explaining the difficulty of interpreting the texts, McCormick cited a passage that reads: "Saith Tammi, 'Consider ye this on the forgiveness of one's enemies: Let he who would slander you sup at your table, let he who would inflict…I saith unto thee: Look upon mine eyes, which dwell within mine head, and not upon mine bosom, wherein no wisdom dwells.' And then did Tammi snappeth her fingers together, saying, 'Seriously; I doth mean it. Up here.'"
"In all fairness to her disciples, it must have been impossible to concentrate with a couple of cannons like those in your face," McCormick said. "Especially in that desert heat, with nothing but a thin linen vestment between you and two of the most succulent milk-makers you've ever laid eyes on, beads of sweat slowly making their way down from her throat and running along the swells before descending into that perfect cleft between…oh my Lord."
The circumstances surrounding Tammi's death are unclear, but the texts seem to suggest that while she was not crucified, she did, like her brother, die in Judaea, rise from the dead, and ascend bodily into heaven in her early 30s, well before her breasts would have begun to sag.
While the documents make no direct mention of Tammi's participation in the Second Coming, Ferber said he would not be surprised if her followers held similar eschatological views and worshipped her as a kind of tandem messiah who would one day return to earth along with her brother, "her ginormous gazongas defying gravity as she descended bodily in glory from heaven" to establish the Kingdom of God.
"Maybe I'm just being hopeful," Ferber said, "but I'd sure love to see those holy ta-tas with my own eyes."
Thank you to The Onion for this great story!
ARABAH VALLEY, ISRAEL—In a discovery that biblical scholars say could alter our most fundamental understanding of Christianity, recently unearthed manuscripts suggest that in addition to His Son, Jesus Christ, God also had a daughter with absolutely humongous breasts.
The documents, found in a cave near the Jordanian- Israeli border and estimated to have been composed circa A.D. 200, recount the life, teachings, and death of Jesus' well-endowed twin sister, Tammi of Nazareth. According to experts, the revelation points to a more dualistic conception of the divine, one with the male principle embodied in Jesus and the female principle represented by Tammi and her giant, heaving bazoingas.
"It's a monumental shift," said Boston College religion professor Paul Ferber, claiming that the newly discovered texts are more significant than the Gospel of Judas or the Dead Sea Scrolls. "Tammi has single-handedly undercut the male hegemony we've come to associate with the Christian faith, and added an important new dimension to the holy scripture."
"Also, the various sources are in clear agreement that Tammi had the most enormous jugs in all of Galilee," added Ferber, gesturing with his hands."Seriously. Like, out to here."
The existence of Tammi has caused scholars to reexamine the Trinity of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and replace it with a Quadrinity that includes the Daughter figure—though some, including Ferber, argue it should actually be reconstrued as "a five-way Quintinity, counting as two separate divine powers both of Tammi's bodacious watermelons."
According to the manuscripts, written in Greek on papyrus scrolls, Tammi led a ministry contemporaneously with her brother's. Although she promulgated similar ideas concerning faith, humility, and forgiveness, and appeared to possess the same miraculous powers, Tammi seems to have had more difficulty communicating her message. In one passage, for example, her disciples repeatedly coax her into washing their feet, apparently for a better vantage point from which to observe her "heavenly radiance." And while she, like Jesus, walks on water, the feat is described as almost disappointing to many onlookers, who had apparently hoped to see her run.
Professor Ned McCormick of Duke Divinity School said a complete understanding of Tammi's teachings will require decades of research, with particularly close scrutiny given to the dozens of detailed illustrations.
Explaining the difficulty of interpreting the texts, McCormick cited a passage that reads: "Saith Tammi, 'Consider ye this on the forgiveness of one's enemies: Let he who would slander you sup at your table, let he who would inflict…I saith unto thee: Look upon mine eyes, which dwell within mine head, and not upon mine bosom, wherein no wisdom dwells.' And then did Tammi snappeth her fingers together, saying, 'Seriously; I doth mean it. Up here.'"
"In all fairness to her disciples, it must have been impossible to concentrate with a couple of cannons like those in your face," McCormick said. "Especially in that desert heat, with nothing but a thin linen vestment between you and two of the most succulent milk-makers you've ever laid eyes on, beads of sweat slowly making their way down from her throat and running along the swells before descending into that perfect cleft between…oh my Lord."
The circumstances surrounding Tammi's death are unclear, but the texts seem to suggest that while she was not crucified, she did, like her brother, die in Judaea, rise from the dead, and ascend bodily into heaven in her early 30s, well before her breasts would have begun to sag.
While the documents make no direct mention of Tammi's participation in the Second Coming, Ferber said he would not be surprised if her followers held similar eschatological views and worshipped her as a kind of tandem messiah who would one day return to earth along with her brother, "her ginormous gazongas defying gravity as she descended bodily in glory from heaven" to establish the Kingdom of God.
"Maybe I'm just being hopeful," Ferber said, "but I'd sure love to see those holy ta-tas with my own eyes."
Thank you to The Onion for this great story!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
George Carlin, the man, the myth, the LEGEND
Carlin,
One of the funniest comedians of all time. I found some of his greatest quotes and thought that I would share them with you all. Enjoy them, they make me laugh every time.
Always do whatever's next.
George Carlin
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
George Carlin
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
George Carlin
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
George Carlin
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
George Carlin
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
George Carlin
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
George Carlin
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George Carlin
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
George Carlin
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
George Carlin
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
George Carlin
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
George Carlin
Religion is just mind control.
George Carlin
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George Carlin
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin
The status quo sucks.
George Carlin
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
George Carlin
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
George Carlin
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
George Carlin
Think off-center.
George Carlin
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
George Carlin
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
George Carlin
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
George Carlin
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
George Carlin
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
George Carlin
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
George Carlin
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
George Carlin
One of the funniest comedians of all time. I found some of his greatest quotes and thought that I would share them with you all. Enjoy them, they make me laugh every time.
Always do whatever's next.
George Carlin
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
George Carlin
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
George Carlin
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
George Carlin
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
George Carlin
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
George Carlin
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
George Carlin
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George Carlin
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
George Carlin
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
George Carlin
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
George Carlin
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
George Carlin
Religion is just mind control.
George Carlin
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George Carlin
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin
The status quo sucks.
George Carlin
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
George Carlin
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
George Carlin
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
George Carlin
Think off-center.
George Carlin
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
George Carlin
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
George Carlin
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
George Carlin
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
George Carlin
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
George Carlin
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
George Carlin
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
George Carlin
Monday, August 23, 2010
Great Quotes from Great men and or women...
I stumbled upon these quotes in my travels across the internet (invented by Al Gore) while wearing my pants (invented by GW Bush). I thought I would share them with you all.
Enjoy!
1. Religion easily has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
2. Atheism: A non-prophet organization.
3. I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
4. Which is it, is man one of God’s blunders or is God one of man’s?
5. Faith means not wanting to know what is true.
6. Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.
7. What I see in Nature is a magnificent structure that we can comprehend only very imperfectly, and that must fill a thinking person with a feeling of “humility.” This is a genuinely religious feeling that has nothing to do with mysticism.
8. It seems to me that the idea of a personal God is an anthropological concept which I cannot take seriously. I also cannot imagine some will or goal outside the human sphere. … Science has been charged with undermining morality, but the charge is unjust. A man’s ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties and needs; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.
Albert Einstein, “Religion and Science”, New York Times Magazine, 9 November 1930
9. If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
10. The most henious and the must cruel crimes of which history has record have been committed under the cover of religion or equally noble motives.
Mohandas K Gandhi, Young India, July 7, 1950, quoted from Laird Wilcox, ed., “The Degeneration of Belief”
11. I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.
12. “It ain’t those parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.”
Mark Twain
13. A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.
Mark Twain
14. What God lacks is convictions — stability of character. He ought to be a Presbyterian or a Catholic or something — not try to be everything.
15. Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
Mark Twain, quoted from Curmudgeon-Online
16. “In God We Trust.” I don’t believe it would sound any better if it were true.
17. Shake off all fears of servile prejudices, under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God, because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear.
18. We are afraid of the known and afraid of the unknown. That is our daily life and in that there is no hope, and therefore every form of philosophy, every form of theological concept, is merely an escape from the actual reality of what is. All outward forms of change brought about by wars, revolutions, reformations, laws and ideologies have failed completely to change the basic nature of man and therefore of society.
19. The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason: The Morning Daylight appears plainer when you put out your Candle.
Benjamin Franklin, the incompatibility of faith and reason, Poor Richard’s Almanack (1758)
20. Lighthouses are more helpful then churches.
21. If God has made us in his image, we have returned him the favor.
Voltaire
22. Those who believe absurdities will commit atrocities.
23. Black holes would seem to suggest that God not only plays dice, but also sometimes throws them where they cannot be seen.
Stephen Hawking, NATURE, 1975
24. We could call order by the name of God, but it would be an impersonal God. There’s not much personal about the laws of physics.
25. Tradition becomes our security, and when the mind is secure it is in decay.
Jiddu Krishnamurti
26. The constant assertion of belief is an indication of fear.
Jiddu Krishnamurti
27. What can be asserted without proof can be dismissed without proof.
Christopher Hitchens
28. Christopher Hitchens On Jerry Falwell: If you gave Falwell an enema, he could be buried in a matchbox.
29. Religion is an illusion and it derives its strength from the fact that it falls in with our instinctual desires.
Sigmund Freud
30. Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people.
Karl Marx
31. The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
George Bernard Shaw
32. Men never commit evil so fully and joyfully as when they do it for religious convictions.
Blaise Pascal Quote
32. You’re basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.
Richard Jeni Quote
34. With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.
Steven Weinberg Quote
35. The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.
Delos B. McKown Quote
36. Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.
Edward Gibbon
37. Our ignorance is God; what we know is science.
Robert Ingersoll
38. The foolish reject what they see and not what they think; the wise reject what they think and not what they see.
Huang Po
39. Where knowledge ends, religion begins.
Benjamin Disraeli Quote
40. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish.
Quote from Unknown
41. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
Dave Barry
42. Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?
- Epicurus Quotes
43. The opposite of the religious fanatic is not the fanatical atheist but the gentle cynic who cares not whether there is a god or not.
Eric Hoffer Quotes
44. I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
Bill Maher
45. There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.
46. If we go back to the beginning, we shall find that ignorance and fear created the gods; that fancy, enthusiasm, or deceit adorned them; that weakness worships them; that credulity preserves them and that custom, respect and tyranny support them in order to make the blindness of men serve their own interests. If the ignorance of nature gave birth to gods, the knowledge of nature is calculated to destroy them.
Baron D’Holbach, cited in Jonathan Miller. (2004). A Brief History of Disbelief [TV-Series].
47. If I thought the Jews killed God, I’d worship the Jews.
Bill Hicks
48. Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.
Isaac Asimov
49. A belief which leaves no place for doubt is not a belief; it is a superstition.
José Bergamín
50. One of the great tragedies of mankind is that morality has been hijacked by religion.
Arthur C. Clarke Quotes
Enjoy!
1. Religion easily has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
2. Atheism: A non-prophet organization.
3. I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
4. Which is it, is man one of God’s blunders or is God one of man’s?
5. Faith means not wanting to know what is true.
6. Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.
7. What I see in Nature is a magnificent structure that we can comprehend only very imperfectly, and that must fill a thinking person with a feeling of “humility.” This is a genuinely religious feeling that has nothing to do with mysticism.
8. It seems to me that the idea of a personal God is an anthropological concept which I cannot take seriously. I also cannot imagine some will or goal outside the human sphere. … Science has been charged with undermining morality, but the charge is unjust. A man’s ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties and needs; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.
Albert Einstein, “Religion and Science”, New York Times Magazine, 9 November 1930
9. If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
10. The most henious and the must cruel crimes of which history has record have been committed under the cover of religion or equally noble motives.
Mohandas K Gandhi, Young India, July 7, 1950, quoted from Laird Wilcox, ed., “The Degeneration of Belief”
11. I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.
12. “It ain’t those parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.”
Mark Twain
13. A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.
Mark Twain
14. What God lacks is convictions — stability of character. He ought to be a Presbyterian or a Catholic or something — not try to be everything.
15. Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
Mark Twain, quoted from Curmudgeon-Online
16. “In God We Trust.” I don’t believe it would sound any better if it were true.
17. Shake off all fears of servile prejudices, under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God, because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear.
18. We are afraid of the known and afraid of the unknown. That is our daily life and in that there is no hope, and therefore every form of philosophy, every form of theological concept, is merely an escape from the actual reality of what is. All outward forms of change brought about by wars, revolutions, reformations, laws and ideologies have failed completely to change the basic nature of man and therefore of society.
19. The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason: The Morning Daylight appears plainer when you put out your Candle.
Benjamin Franklin, the incompatibility of faith and reason, Poor Richard’s Almanack (1758)
20. Lighthouses are more helpful then churches.
21. If God has made us in his image, we have returned him the favor.
Voltaire
22. Those who believe absurdities will commit atrocities.
23. Black holes would seem to suggest that God not only plays dice, but also sometimes throws them where they cannot be seen.
Stephen Hawking, NATURE, 1975
24. We could call order by the name of God, but it would be an impersonal God. There’s not much personal about the laws of physics.
25. Tradition becomes our security, and when the mind is secure it is in decay.
Jiddu Krishnamurti
26. The constant assertion of belief is an indication of fear.
Jiddu Krishnamurti
27. What can be asserted without proof can be dismissed without proof.
Christopher Hitchens
28. Christopher Hitchens On Jerry Falwell: If you gave Falwell an enema, he could be buried in a matchbox.
29. Religion is an illusion and it derives its strength from the fact that it falls in with our instinctual desires.
Sigmund Freud
30. Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people.
Karl Marx
31. The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
George Bernard Shaw
32. Men never commit evil so fully and joyfully as when they do it for religious convictions.
Blaise Pascal Quote
32. You’re basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.
Richard Jeni Quote
34. With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.
Steven Weinberg Quote
35. The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.
Delos B. McKown Quote
36. Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.
Edward Gibbon
37. Our ignorance is God; what we know is science.
Robert Ingersoll
38. The foolish reject what they see and not what they think; the wise reject what they think and not what they see.
Huang Po
39. Where knowledge ends, religion begins.
Benjamin Disraeli Quote
40. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish.
Quote from Unknown
41. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.Dave Barry
42. Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?
- Epicurus Quotes
43. The opposite of the religious fanatic is not the fanatical atheist but the gentle cynic who cares not whether there is a god or not.
Eric Hoffer Quotes
44. I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
Bill Maher
45. There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.
46. If we go back to the beginning, we shall find that ignorance and fear created the gods; that fancy, enthusiasm, or deceit adorned them; that weakness worships them; that credulity preserves them and that custom, respect and tyranny support them in order to make the blindness of men serve their own interests. If the ignorance of nature gave birth to gods, the knowledge of nature is calculated to destroy them.
Baron D’Holbach, cited in Jonathan Miller. (2004). A Brief History of Disbelief [TV-Series].
47. If I thought the Jews killed God, I’d worship the Jews.
Bill Hicks
48. Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.
Isaac Asimov
49. A belief which leaves no place for doubt is not a belief; it is a superstition.
José Bergamín
50. One of the great tragedies of mankind is that morality has been hijacked by religion.
Arthur C. Clarke Quotes
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