I am a Prophet! Yes, I can tell you the future!

I have been thinking about this for a while and I have come to the conclusion that if Joseph Smith and all the other whackadoo prophets out there can not only start their own religions but then prophesy about the coming days then, what the hell. I can too!

As you probably know I formed my own "church" a long time ago. It was called The Church of the Assimilated Virgin. If you are a Star Trek fan you will recognize the joke there.

Anyway, I have some prophesies that I am going to share with my "congregation" (Yes, that would be you gentle reader. Don't worry I won't ask for 10% or for you to attend any meetings etc.)

Prophesy #1 - On February 28th of this year, your phone will ring and someone will want to talk to you. Now, remember this phone call is VERY important to the person calling, so please be patient with them.

Prophesy #2 - There will be a lizard found on a beach in Mexico by a little boy named Juan. This lizard will become his pet and one day have lizard babies. This little boy named Juan will one day grow up and have a job and children and a wife.

Prophesy #3 - Airtravel will get more expensive the closer it gets to summer. Please keep this in mind while planning any vacations.

Prophesy #4 - A Republican will run against Obama in the Primary election. He will be male and a former Senator/Governor.

Prophesy #5 - Within one hour of reading this post, you WILL do something other than read it again.

Prophesy #6 - On Wednesday February 29, 2012 Faux News will spout more garbage about Democrats and politics. It will be B.S. but the 'faithful' will buy into it.

Prophesy #7 - The world will NOT end in 2012. Mark my words, 2013 will come and so will 2014! If I am wrong, Sue me! I'm good for it.

Prophesy #8 - My good friend, Mormon411 will look at porn on 3/13/12. Yes, it WILL happen.

Prophesy #9 - If you are a TBM or God Fearing Christian, you will have already determined that I am going to hell and will have decided to NEVER come to my blog again. Sadly, you will. Oh, you will.

Prophesy #10 - Pornography will still be the number 1 searched subject on the internet for all of 2012  AND Utah will still be the #1 consumer of said commodity.

Since I am confident that ALL the predictions will come true, I am now officially deeming myself a prophet and therefore should be followed as one. Unlike the other prophets out there, I am not looking for your money or your souls. Just your comments and a giggle or two.

If I can prophesy, so can you.

Give it a try, you might like it.

NO SEX FOR YOU!! AND YOU! AND YOU!

So, it appears that the crazy son-of-a-bitch Warren Jeffs is at it again. First he bans his "faithful followers" from using ATV's, Children's toys, Bicycles, Trampolines or Swimming pools. Then he tells his "followers" that they MUST have an interview with his brother (the interim "leader") Lyle Jeffs to be "chosen" or they will "fry".

This last edict of his takes the proverbial cake;

He has "prophesied" that the world is going to end and the "walls of his prison will crumble and he will again be free". That in itself smacks of good old Joe Smith predicting that he would be 'freed from jail in Nauvoo and lead his people to the promised land' (that of course never happened, as we all know, he was whacked by a group of people that were pissed off about him screwing their under-age daughters) -- Prophet Warren's little prediction is about as believeable as all the other doomsayer predictions out there.

This isn't what takes the cake so to speak though.

Here is what does:

As the year comes to an end and the followers of Warren Jeffs await the apocalypse he has predicted, they're living under a challenging edict: they're forbidden to have sex until Jeffs is sprung from a Texas prison.


That's correct kids! NO NOOKIE for you till I get free!!! Either this guy is a complete jackwagon and just doesn't get it, or he thinks that by doing this it will pressure his believers to push hard for his release. I am betting on the latter more than the former.
 
The truly hilarious part of all this is that people are NOW leaving the FLDS 'faith' in droves. Looks like the power of PUSSY is more powerful that the word of the prophet? I know I would definitely leave a faith where sex was verboten. (Wait, I DID).
 
I am not sure why anyone would stay with the insane edicts he as passed down since he has been imprisoned. Not even a True Believer can swallow this crap for very long. It's not as tame as the "no earrings" edict to the LDS faithful although by far sillier.
 
Thought I would share some good humor today. It's been a while and this just struck me funny.
 
Happy new year to you all!!