The Mormon Articles of Faith ~~ The TRUTH Revealed ~~

Growing up LSD I was force fed these and made to memorize them so that I could have a "testimony" (forced belief) that the church was 'true' and that Joe Smith was really a prophet of god. I have been thinking about this recently and thought I would share the CORRECTED (Actually what they are) Articles of forced belief with you. The corrections are noted with an 'a'.

Keep in mind, this is MY interpretation, NOT someone Else's:

1 - We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost.

1a - We believe in a sky daddy with no proof of existence, that is abusive and forces us to give 10% of our money to the corporation.

2 - We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgression.

2a - We firmly hold to the belief that we will be punished for our own sins and not for Adam eating an apple with his hottie girlfriend Eve.

3 - We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel.

3a- A hippy died so that we can be saved from a hell that doesn't exist and we MUST pay our 10% and memorize our secret handshakes in the 'temple club' to get into heaven.

4 - We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.

4a- We believe that you must have a faith in a fairy tale, saying I'm sorry to sky daddy when we sin as well as telling our bishops all our dirty laundry for his amusement, dunking our children at 8 years old so that they are now forced members in this insanity and then that you need some old dude to tell you, that you NOW can know right from wrong because he blessed you so.

5 - We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof.

5a - We believe that even when the person who is called is molesting children and stealing from the members of the congregation that he was still called by 'god'. Even if this called person commits horrible acts, he was called by 'god'.

6 - We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, and so forth.

6a - Much like any corporation we have an organizational structure primarily for the perpetuation of our myths and the collection of funds to benefit the corporation as a whole with one exception: the shareholders (members) have no say in it.

7 - We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth.

7a - This is especially true with our child molesting leaders as they 'translate/interperet' their tongues on children often. Also, visions of no earrings and silly dress code rules are common.

8 - We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God.

8a - By 'translated correctly' we mean to benefit OUR dogma. The book of Mormon is the word of god if god was in Joe Smith's imagination. (see dead sea scrolls, urum and thummum etc.,)

9 - We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.

9a - We believe that god takes the time to tell our members how to dress, what underwear to wear and when to scrub the toilets on Saturdays, because THAT is what god reveals.

10 - We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisaical glory.

10a - We have NO understanding of geography, science or archeology. We simply believe these fantastical things because Joe Smith said so.

11 - We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

11a - We made up our own religion so Nyaaa, nyaa!

12 - We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law.

12a - Entertaining especially as it relates to polygamy and Brigham Young's attempt to secede from the Union.

13 - We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul-We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.

13a - This is great, except Joe Smith DIDN'T follow this one! Chasing after other guys wives, ordering 'hits' on presidential candidates etc., I guess doing good to all men is only valid if those men are either believers or beneficial to the corporations cause.

I hope you found this entertaining, I did.

I am a Prophet! Yes, I can tell you the future!

I have been thinking about this for a while and I have come to the conclusion that if Joseph Smith and all the other whackadoo prophets out there can not only start their own religions but then prophesy about the coming days then, what the hell. I can too!

As you probably know I formed my own "church" a long time ago. It was called The Church of the Assimilated Virgin. If you are a Star Trek fan you will recognize the joke there.

Anyway, I have some prophesies that I am going to share with my "congregation" (Yes, that would be you gentle reader. Don't worry I won't ask for 10% or for you to attend any meetings etc.)

Prophesy #1 - On February 28th of this year, your phone will ring and someone will want to talk to you. Now, remember this phone call is VERY important to the person calling, so please be patient with them.

Prophesy #2 - There will be a lizard found on a beach in Mexico by a little boy named Juan. This lizard will become his pet and one day have lizard babies. This little boy named Juan will one day grow up and have a job and children and a wife.

Prophesy #3 - Airtravel will get more expensive the closer it gets to summer. Please keep this in mind while planning any vacations.

Prophesy #4 - A Republican will run against Obama in the Primary election. He will be male and a former Senator/Governor.

Prophesy #5 - Within one hour of reading this post, you WILL do something other than read it again.

Prophesy #6 - On Wednesday February 29, 2012 Faux News will spout more garbage about Democrats and politics. It will be B.S. but the 'faithful' will buy into it.

Prophesy #7 - The world will NOT end in 2012. Mark my words, 2013 will come and so will 2014! If I am wrong, Sue me! I'm good for it.

Prophesy #8 - My good friend, Mormon411 will look at porn on 3/13/12. Yes, it WILL happen.

Prophesy #9 - If you are a TBM or God Fearing Christian, you will have already determined that I am going to hell and will have decided to NEVER come to my blog again. Sadly, you will. Oh, you will.

Prophesy #10 - Pornography will still be the number 1 searched subject on the internet for all of 2012  AND Utah will still be the #1 consumer of said commodity.

Since I am confident that ALL the predictions will come true, I am now officially deeming myself a prophet and therefore should be followed as one. Unlike the other prophets out there, I am not looking for your money or your souls. Just your comments and a giggle or two.

If I can prophesy, so can you.

Give it a try, you might like it.

Counting my 'many blessings'

A comment on another blog got me thinking about this and it has festered for a few days so I have had to put my own thoughts out there.

Primarily in the LDS inc. culture there is this propensity to 'count your blessings' - there are even hymns you sing in church telling you to do so. Of course when a member is talking about 'counting blessings' they are taking everything good or remotely positive and attributing it to either God's favor on them or their own faith/righteousness. This is because the culture of LDS inc. for TBM's is that you must publicly declare to all members how 'blessed' by the lord you are for being such a good TBM. If you don't believe me ask any TBM to tell you about their faith and the church. The first thing they will do is tell you how 'blessed they are' to be members, the next thing is they will tell you that Joe Smith (Creator of the great fiction (BOM)) is a 'true prophet of god' . after that they will go into a bunch of mindless drivell about any number of subjects, it will all sound very sincere and they will tell you to read the BOM and pray about it and that you too will see the truth and know that LDS inc. is the 'one true church'. If you use logic and reason, you will see through all that, I could go on in great detail, but I digress. This post was about counting blessings wasn't it?

Here are my blessings attributed to God etc.:

1) My job. Without the lord in my life, I am POSITIVE I wouldn't have the job I have held for nearly a decade. All the hard work and effort I put are all thanks to the 'man upstairs'.

2)My family. The lord has given my my wife and son who I am positive I wouldn't have in my life if the lord hadn't put them there. It is a forgone conclusion that I NEVER would have met my wife had the lord not decided to have us BOTH work at the same job and be physically attracted to each other.

3)My Dog. You guessed it the lord delivered the dog to me. If the lord hadn't put the dog in my living room, he wouldn't be there.

4)My successful recovery from recent surgery. The lord healed me, not modern medicine, not any amount of rest. it was prayer and faith that healed me, it had absolutely NOTHING to do with the surgeon or medical staff at the hospital that fixed my issue, it was the lord.

5)My great driving record. I haven't had so much as a parking ticket in 10+ years. That is all thanks to the lord above. He keeps me safe, keeps my foot light on the gas pedal and keeps me driving like a responsible, intelligent person that LOVES low insurance premiums.

6)NFL and NBA. You got it. GOD is responsible for professional sports! Without GOD there would be no sports and no Sunday fall enjoyment for me. I wouldn't be a skin's or jazz fan if it wasn't for the lord.

7)The internet. This had nothing to do with all the pioneers of technology out there experimenting and trying new things. This had nothing to do with anyone mortal. The lord created the internet to make it easier to spread his word to everyone. God is the most searched term on the internet right? Oh, wait that title goes to porn. Sorry god you don't get that one.

I am sure there are many more blessings that we can all attribute to god. I could probably write a 50,000 word post on all the blessings that god has given me. Anyone else have any other blessings that I missed. I mean I am sure that there are many of you that have lots of things to thank the lord above for right?

Let's list em out!