Oh, yea time to bring in another player
From: Gaylord Fagg
Assistant to Rev. Harry Balls
To: Mrs. Louisa Pimental Estrada
Sister Estrada,
Firstly let me introduce myself, I amPastor in training Gaylord Fagg. I am Rev. Harry Balls' assistant andNew Membership coordinator. I want to first let you know that, as awhole we were not offended by your offer of 25%, you simply did notunderstand how our church works.
I have been instructed by Rev.Balls to begin the New Membership process with you, so that we may beable to assist you and spread the word of the Assimilated Virgin to allpeoples of the earth.
In order for us to assist you as I amsure Rev. Balls informed you, the first step is to bring yourself andyour family into our "family of the Assimilated Virgin". This doesrequire that you of course join in our faith. The process for this isvery simple, and we are sure you will be able to do this with little orno effort or hardship on your part.
First, you must send us aphoto of yourself for our new membership rolls. This of course hasalready been supplied by our brother Standingup. You needn't send usanother one, as you have ALREADY TAKEN THE FIRST STEP!Congratulations!
Second, you must sign and return the attachedmembership acceptance and enrollment form. All you need do is eitherprint sign, scan and return to us or you may also print it then fax itback to us if that would be easier for you. Please make sure that you dosign the form. Only hand signed forms will be accepted. Our fax/phonenumber is: 206-666-4930.
Once the forms have been submitted tous we can either send you the funds to release your belongings via MoneyTransfer or we can simply wire the money to a bank account of yourchoosing.
We also require that as a new member, if there is not a hall of worship where you may go and worship the Great Phallus, thatyou also stay in touch with us, so that we can begin the process offinding a suitable location to either build or purchase a building foryou and all the new members to worship in. We as a church of coursewould finance the entire project. As the first member in your area, youof course would have sole discretion over what type of building or landwould be appropriate for this. If you would like we can also sendmissionaries to you to assist you in starting this process as well.
I have at Rev. Balls' request also attached a photo of the reverendfor you as well.
I am happy to assist you, and if you needanything or have any questions, please feel free to ask. God bless yousister, and may the Great Phallus protect you.
God bless,
Gaylord Fagg
Assistant to Rev. HarryBalls
gotta keep her on her toes right? Now the photo attached was of Q from the judgment episode. I will post the enrollment agreement in a while
Attn:Rev. Harry Balls
Sir,
Thanks for all your endavours ireally appreciate it all. Sir, i accepted all what you madementioned in the mail. But could you please help me re-send all theattachments via this my alternative e-mailaddress:mrsl_estra2000@yahoo.com.au so that i can get all theattachments and complete that which you requested that i shoulddo.Please i find it difficult to get attachment from this box.
Onceagain,my family and i are highly appreciate your co-working andco-operating for us always.
And thank you again for your greatmerciful assistances .
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Thank you and God bless us all.
Warmest Regards
Dr.Mrs LuisaPimentel Estrada.
will she sign it?
somehow I missed an email somewhere but she requested I send the attachments again. so of course I did
From: Gaylord Fagg
To: Mrs. Estradea
Mrs. Estradea,
Here are the attachments as requested. Please follow all the instructions from the previous email I sent you. I will be looking for your return email to begin the process for you.
Again our phone/fax number here at the church offices is: 206-666-4930. Please call us if you have any concerns or problems.
God bless you and may the Great Phallus keep you.
Gaylord Fagg
Asst. to Rev. Harry Balls
hmm will she sign or not?
Attn:Rev. Harry Balls Sir Please write to find out if you
received the mail i sent to you about two hours ago. Please sir, i requested
that the attachments should please resend to me so that i can complete that which i was required to do.I was not able to retrive the attachment through this box. Please i will be very much happy if
those attachments should be resent to me via this my alternative e-mail
address:mrsl_estra2002@yahoo.com.au so that i will proceed.Sorry for
the troublems. I look forward hearing from you. Thank you and God Bless us all. Warmest Regards Dr.Mrs.luisa Pimentel Estrada
and round we go
From: Gaylord Fagg
To: Mrs. Louis Pimento Estradea
Sister Estrada,
I have received your email and have sent the attachments to the email
address you specified. I hope that this helps you and you are able to
complete the membership process with our church. We do look forward to
having you and your families as new members in the Great Phallus.
God bless you,
Gaylord Fagg
Asst. to Rev. Harry Balls
well I'm waiting....
Attn: Rev. Harry Balls
Sir,
Thanks for your mail and i am very sorry for replying late it was as a
result of my illness.For the past three days i have been on the sick
bed.Once again, i reallY appreciate your co-working and co-operation for
us always and thank you for your great assistances.
Sir, please do what ever you wish to do to help my family and i out.
Finally,,below is the attached Membership Agreement form for your
persual. Ilook forward to hearing from you.Thank you and God bless us all.
warmest Regards
Dr.Mrs.Luisa Pimentel Estrada.
She signed it, and here it is for your viewing pleasure, now read carefully kiddies
The Church of the Assimilated Virgin
MEMBERSHIP AGREEMENT AND ENROLLMENT FORM
Name: ____________________________
1. I _____________, Do swear to uphold the beliefs and tenets of the Church of the Assimilated Virgin. I promise to follow in the teachings and the ways of my Church Officials. I will NEVER question or doubt the leadership of the Church.
2. I _____________, Will spend every waking moment worshiping the Great Phallus, and praying that one day it may spooge its glory upon me.
3. I _____________, Give myself wholly and completely to the Great Phallus, and will never stray from its testimonial testicles. The great and heavy testimonial testicles will be my guiding rod.
4. I _____________, Shall donate my time and energy to making the Church of the Assimilated Virgin the greatest and most powerful phallus on Earth. My phallus shall be dedicated to the whims and turns of the Church.
5. I _____________, Promise to give my corn hole to all sailors and men of honor or inmates whenever they need a warm corn hole to place their phallus in.
With the above agreements and with my whole being I do declare that I wish to join the Church of the Assimilated Virgin. By agreeing to become a member of the Church I agree to follow the Assimilated Virgin in all things, and to become the best baited person that I can be, following in her wet and waiting gash of love and healthy living, as only the great phallus could provide.
______________________ _____________
Newly Baited Member Date of Baiting
So I sit on the membership agreement for a while
Attn:Rev Harry Balls
Sir,
I write to know if youhave received the mail i sent to you with the attached membershipagreement.
I look forward to your urgent reply.
Thank you and Godbless us all.
Warmest Regards
Dr. Mrs Luisa PimentelEstrada.
A little anxious arent' we?
Attn:Rev. Harry Balls
Sir,
Can some body tell me what is goingon.I have not heard from you since i sent the membership agreement toyou. Please sir, is anything the matter?Kindly up date me.
I lookforward hearing from you.
Thank you and God Bless us all. Warmest Regards
Dr.Mrs.luisa Pimentel Estrada
Still made her wait a bit, and you will soon see why
Attn:Rev. Harry Balls
Sir,
I have not heard from you since isent the membership agreement to you.Is anything the matter? Please tryto up date me.I look forward hearing from you.
Thank you and Godbless all.
Warmest Regards
Dr.Mrs.Luisa Pimentel Estrada
ok time to let her in on a little disaster secret
From: Gaylord Fagg
To: Louisa Pimento Estradea
Sisster Estreada,
I am sorry that I have not gotten back to you sooner regarding your membership agreement. It has been a very sad week for us here. You see, Rev. Harry Balls was murdered while attempting to assist some homeless people into the relocation vans, which the city uses to move the homeless to Akron. Unfortunately due to this situation, I have not had much time to handle your situation. Please forgive the delay in your assistance.
I will now review your membership agreement, and from there it should not be an issue to have the money wired to the security house and to have your monies released. I will get back to you within the next few days, with your payment information.
Now, were you interested in opening a branch of the church in your area? If so, please let us know so that we may begin the process of alocating that money as well.
Also, which bank would you like the funds wired to? or, do you prefer to use Western Union?
May the phallus bless and keep you,
Acting Rev. Gaylord Fagg.
hmm will she take the bait, and feel the pain of the church? Now she did send me the information, but I seem to have misplaced the email. Oh, well
Attn: Rev Harry Balls Sir, How areyou today, the church and the whole members? I write to know how farthings are going with te church and to ask if you have received theaccount information where the funds will be wired into via TelegraphicTransfer or Swift Transfer. Have a nice day and take very good careof your self. I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you and God Bless us all. Warmest Regards Dr.Mrs.luisa PimentelEstrada
well now I just have to respond to her right?
Sister Etceteda,
The church is still recovering from Rev. Harry Ball's death. We will be back to church business as usual shortly. I know you mean well, but could you please not address you future email to Rev. Harry? He has gone to the great wet gash in the center, and so if you could please address the mail to myself that would be very appreciated.
We have received your payment information, and are in the process of disbursing the funds. We in the church are very excited to hear that you would like to open a branch chamber of the great phallus in your area. I have spoken to the testicular comittee, and they are as I write arranging for as many as 100 missionaries to travel to the Phillipines to begin the great work with you to open the church! Bless you Sister Etceteda! You will soon be in the great warmth of the Phallus I am sure!
God bless and phallically keep you,
Gaylord Fagg
Acting Reverend.
the saga continues....
Attn: Mr Gaylord Fagg(Acting Reverend)
Sir,
Thanks for yourmail and i am very sorry if i have done something wrong.Please sir, howwas the burial?Please help me tell the diseased family and the wholechurch to take heart to bear the lost of the former Rev.HarryBalls. Please sir, my family and i are suffering.Make sure you actfast to help our situation.
I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you and God bless all.
Warmest Regards
Dr.Mrs.LuisaPimentel Estrada
So I guess she took my admonition to heart huh? Yea and I will make sure and tell the "diseased" family all about it.
From: Gaylord Fagg
To: Louis Pimento Estreta
SisterEstreta,
You have not offended anyone with your emails. We allunderstand that with your limited english vocabulary, that you may havea hard time with those sorts of things.
I will be wiring the paymentout later this afternoon, and then I will send you the paymentinformation so that you may collect the funds necessary to help yourfamily out of their situation.
We do appreciate the care andheartfelt sympathies that you have sent in your emails regarding thepassing of Rev. Balls. We do appreciate you and your families prayersand love in this time of sadness for the church.
Please look forthe email with the payment information attached.
May god blessyou and his phallus keep you wet.
Gaylord Fagg
ActingReverend.
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