Growing up LSD I was force fed these and made to memorize them so that I could have a "testimony" (forced belief) that the church was 'true' and that Joe Smith was really a prophet of god. I have been thinking about this recently and thought I would share the CORRECTED (Actually what they are) Articles of forced belief with you. The corrections are noted with an 'a'.
Keep in mind, this is MY interpretation, NOT someone Else's:
1 - We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost.
1a - We believe in a sky daddy with no proof of existence, that is abusive and forces us to give 10% of our money to the corporation.
2 - We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgression.
2a - We firmly hold to the belief that we will be punished for our own sins and not for Adam eating an apple with his hottie girlfriend Eve.
3 - We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel.
3a- A hippy died so that we can be saved from a hell that doesn't exist and we MUST pay our 10% and memorize our secret handshakes in the 'temple club' to get into heaven.
4 - We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.
4a- We believe that you must have a faith in a fairy tale, saying I'm sorry to sky daddy when we sin as well as telling our bishops all our dirty laundry for his amusement, dunking our children at 8 years old so that they are now forced members in this insanity and then that you need some old dude to tell you, that you NOW can know right from wrong because he blessed you so.
5 - We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof.
5a - We believe that even when the person who is called is molesting children and stealing from the members of the congregation that he was still called by 'god'. Even if this called person commits horrible acts, he was called by 'god'.
6 - We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, and so forth.
6a - Much like any corporation we have an organizational structure primarily for the perpetuation of our myths and the collection of funds to benefit the corporation as a whole with one exception: the shareholders (members) have no say in it.
7 - We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth.
7a - This is especially true with our child molesting leaders as they 'translate/interperet' their tongues on children often. Also, visions of no earrings and silly dress code rules are common.
8 - We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God.
8a - By 'translated correctly' we mean to benefit OUR dogma. The book of Mormon is the word of god if god was in Joe Smith's imagination. (see dead sea scrolls, urum and thummum etc.,)
9 - We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.
9a - We believe that god takes the time to tell our members how to dress, what underwear to wear and when to scrub the toilets on Saturdays, because THAT is what god reveals.
10 - We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisaical glory.
10a - We have NO understanding of geography, science or archeology. We simply believe these fantastical things because Joe Smith said so.
11 - We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.
11a - We made up our own religion so Nyaaa, nyaa!
12 - We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law.
12a - Entertaining especially as it relates to polygamy and Brigham Young's attempt to secede from the Union.
13 - We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul-We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.
13a - This is great, except Joe Smith DIDN'T follow this one! Chasing after other guys wives, ordering 'hits' on presidential candidates etc., I guess doing good to all men is only valid if those men are either believers or beneficial to the corporations cause.
I hope you found this entertaining, I did.