Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I live in a "Nanny State"! Welcome to the Greatest Sham on Earth.

Here I am the other night watching the evening news when they run a story about how one state Senator from Ogden is trying to ban "flavored tobacco". His reasoning for this: "Kids might think it's candy." I don't know about everyone who reads this or will read it, I am SURE though that if you have children, you are pretty damn sure that YOUR children KNOW that tobacco in ANY for is NOT CANDY!

Granted, flavored tobacco does smell sweet and of course tastes 'close' to the flavor it is scented to be -grape, mint etc.- it is still NOT obviously CANDY. To prove his point, this MORON (mormon) Senator goes to a Boys and Girls Club with a news crew and 'stages' a 'smell test' with three blind-folded little kids. Under their noses in glass jars he waves a piece of candy, a grape flavored cigar and some mint chewing tobacco. He then asks the blind-folded kids to tell him what they smell. Of course all the kids say "Candy". Since the first thing they smell IS CANDY. Once the blind-folds come off, they ask what they see and all the kids say "ooh tobacco" with consternation and feigned sickness on the faces.

The senator in question then of course says the reason for the ban is to stop evil companies from enticing children to use a product that they CANNOT even purchase unless they are an ADULT.

I realize that the WOW (Word of Wisdom) bans tobacco; mostly due to Joe Smith's wife getting pissed off about cleaning up the spittoons that his friends used. But, really if an ADULT has the right and privilege to purchase a product that is LEGAL to consume, regardless of flavor, the ADULT should have to OPTION to purchase it if they want to.

The frustration of this issue is this: Why does the predominant religion here in Utah (read- Mormons) have to try and BAN adults from using legal products? They already ban Porn, anything harder than a beer from being sold in grocery stores and of course free thought and expression. (go ahead and try to have a dissenting opinion in this state), anyone that does is labeled a Nazi or worse and then pilloried in the media.

Oh and if you aren't mormon, you are screwed out of many jobs, promotions etc.

Welcome to the Nanny State of Utah. It's the greatest sham on earth!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Boyd K. Packer Proves GOD DOESN'T EXIST!

In a recent address made at the L.D.S Church General Conference, Boyd K. Packer made some interesting statements. The gist of his address was admonishing the members of the L.D.S Church for using pornography or being gay. (IE. Being HUMAN!)
I am going to dissect his address one statement/paragraph at a time and add my responses to what are Mr. Packer's own words.

“There are those today who not only tolerate but advocate voting to change laws that would legalize immorality, as if a vote would somehow alter the designs of God’s laws and nature,” --Last I checked, it wasn't up to you, me or the Government to either criminalize or decriminalize who I sleep with or what I look at or choose to read. From the civics courses I took in school our fair country was founded on the principle that all individuals are afforded the inalienable RIGHT to the pursuit of happiness. This means that ALL people have EVERY right to be WHO THEY ARE AND WHAT THEY WANT TO BE. 

“A law against nature would be impossible to enforce. Do you think a vote to repeal the law of gravity would do any good?” --WE aren't talking about The Law of Gravity. WE are talking about SEXUAL PREFERENCE. Why would anyone want to legislate that? Next, the Church will be telling everyone that "You as a good little TBM must only be attracted to someone of the opposite sex that has the same hair color as YOU". Really? That is just stupid. Boyd, you will have to do better than that.

Some argue that “they were pre-set and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural,” he said. “Not so! Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember he is our father.” -- I am not going to even go there. I am NOT a scientist so I can't say either way if it is genetic (although science seems to believe so). Boyd you asked the question, being that you are a "witness" to the 'savior' you tell me! Why would a god do that? If I were god, I would certainly NOT create a situation where a creation of MINE were flawed, then BLAME THEM for the FLAW that I a PERFECT being created.

“We cannot change; we will not change,” the senior apostle declared. “We quickly lose our way when we disobey the laws of God. If we do not protect and foster the family, civilization and our liberties must needs perish.” --Really? What happened to blacks holding the priesthood? What about the teachings that when Native American Children joined the church they turned white? What about polygamy? What about WOW (word of wisdom)? You didn't even have that till Joe Smith's wife got pissed about mopping up tobacco juice after Joe's meetings with HIS APOSTLES. Seems to me that the church changes its stance whenever and however it is most politically expedient to get what the church wants, which when boiled down is more little revenue generators, paying their 10% and building more temples all over the globe. 
So a few gay couples getting married are going to tear down civilization as we know it? Wow, god must NOT have thought that one out before he ALLOWED homosexuality to happen huh? What liberties will we lose by the existence of homosexuals? Name one, I can't.

From what I have seen, the good ole' boys below seem to be doing ok even with those horrible homo's running round wanting to get married and all. Thanks Boyd for proving that with your rhetoric god/heavenly father does NOT exist. If he did, I am SURE he would come down here, kick you in the jimmy and tell you, "you are a bigot and an IDIOT". 

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

God had incredibly busty daughter!!

I found this story online and thought I would share it here. It seems that maybe I am mistaken, if God really  DOES have a busty daughter maybe I should reconsider my beliefs???

ARABAH VALLEY, ISRAEL—In a discovery that biblical scholars say could alter our most fundamental understanding of Christianity, recently unearthed manuscripts suggest that in addition to His Son, Jesus Christ, God also had a daughter with absolutely humongous breasts.
The documents, found in a cave near the Jordanian- Israeli border and estimated to have been composed circa A.D. 200, recount the life, teachings, and death of Jesus' well-endowed twin sister, Tammi of Nazareth. According to experts, the revelation points to a more dualistic conception of the divine, one with the male principle embodied in Jesus and the female principle represented by Tammi and her giant, heaving bazoingas.
"It's a monumental shift," said Boston College religion professor Paul Ferber, claiming that the newly discovered texts are more significant than the Gospel of Judas or the Dead Sea Scrolls. "Tammi has single-handedly undercut the male hegemony we've come to associate with the Christian faith, and added an important new dimension to the holy scripture."
"Also, the various sources are in clear agreement that Tammi had the most enormous jugs in all of Galilee," added Ferber, gesturing with his hands."Seriously. Like, out to here."
The existence of Tammi has caused scholars to reexamine the Trinity of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and replace it with a Quadrinity that includes the Daughter figure—though some, including Ferber, argue it should actually be reconstrued as "a five-way Quintinity, counting as two separate divine powers both of Tammi's bodacious watermelons."
According to the manuscripts, written in Greek on papyrus scrolls, Tammi led a ministry contemporaneously with her brother's. Although she promulgated similar ideas concerning faith, humility, and forgiveness, and appeared to possess the same miraculous powers, Tammi seems to have had more difficulty communicating her message. In one passage, for example, her disciples repeatedly coax her into washing their feet, apparently for a better vantage point from which to observe her "heavenly radiance." And while she, like Jesus, walks on water, the feat is described as almost disappointing to many onlookers, who had apparently hoped to see her run.
Professor Ned McCormick of Duke Divinity School said a complete understanding of Tammi's teachings will require decades of research, with particularly close scrutiny given to the dozens of detailed illustrations.
Explaining the difficulty of interpreting the texts, McCormick cited a passage that reads: "Saith Tammi, 'Consider ye this on the forgiveness of one's enemies: Let he who would slander you sup at your table, let he who would inflict…I saith unto thee: Look upon mine eyes, which dwell within mine head, and not upon mine bosom, wherein no wisdom dwells.' And then did Tammi snappeth her fingers together, saying, 'Seriously; I doth mean it. Up here.'"
"In all fairness to her disciples, it must have been impossible to concentrate with a couple of cannons like those in your face," McCormick said. "Especially in that desert heat, with nothing but a thin linen vestment between you and two of the most succulent milk-makers you've ever laid eyes on, beads of sweat slowly making their way down from her throat and running along the swells before descending into that perfect cleft between…oh my Lord."
The circumstances surrounding Tammi's death are unclear, but the texts seem to suggest that while she was not crucified, she did, like her brother, die in Judaea, rise from the dead, and ascend bodily into heaven in her early 30s, well before her breasts would have begun to sag.
While the documents make no direct mention of Tammi's participation in the Second Coming, Ferber said he would not be surprised if her followers held similar eschatological views and worshipped her as a kind of tandem messiah who would one day return to earth along with her brother, "her ginormous gazongas defying gravity as she descended bodily in glory from heaven" to establish the Kingdom of God.
"Maybe I'm just being hopeful," Ferber said, "but I'd sure love to see those holy ta-tas with my own eyes."

Thank you to The Onion for this great story!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

George Carlin, the man, the myth, the LEGEND


One of the funniest comedians of all time. I found some of his greatest quotes and thought that I would share them with you all. Enjoy them, they make me laugh every time.

Always do whatever's next.
George Carlin

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
George Carlin

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
George Carlin

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
George Carlin

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
George Carlin

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
George Carlin

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
George Carlin

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
George Carlin

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George Carlin

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
George Carlin

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
George Carlin

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
George Carlin

Religion is just mind control.
George Carlin

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin

The status quo sucks.
George Carlin

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
George Carlin

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
George Carlin

Think off-center.
George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
George Carlin

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
George Carlin

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
George Carlin

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
George Carlin

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
George Carlin

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
George Carlin

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
George Carlin  

Monday, August 23, 2010

Great Quotes from Great men and or women...

I stumbled upon these quotes in my travels across the internet (invented by Al Gore) while wearing my pants (invented by GW Bush). I thought I would share them with you all.


1. Religion easily has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
2. Atheism: A non-prophet organization.
3. I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
4. Which is it, is man one of God’s blunders or is God one of man’s?

5. Faith means not wanting to know what is true.

6. Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.
7. What I see in Nature is a magnificent structure that we can comprehend only very imperfectly, and that must fill a thinking person with a feeling of “humility.” This is a genuinely religious feeling that has nothing to do with mysticism.
8. It seems to me that the idea of a personal God is an anthropological concept which I cannot take seriously. I also cannot imagine some will or goal outside the human sphere. … Science has been charged with undermining morality, but the charge is unjust. A man’s ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties and needs; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.
Albert Einstein, “Religion and Science”, New York Times Magazine, 9 November 1930
9. If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
10. The most henious and the must cruel crimes of which history has record have been committed under the cover of religion or equally noble motives.
Mohandas K Gandhi, Young India, July 7, 1950, quoted from Laird Wilcox, ed., “The Degeneration of Belief”
11. I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.
12. “It ain’t those parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.”
Mark Twain

13. A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.
Mark Twain

14. What God lacks is convictions — stability of character. He ought to be a Presbyterian or a Catholic or something — not try to be everything.

15. Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
Mark Twain, quoted from Curmudgeon-Online

16. “In God We Trust.” I don’t believe it would sound any better if it were true.
17. Shake off all fears of servile prejudices, under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God, because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear.
18. We are afraid of the known and afraid of the unknown. That is our daily life and in that there is no hope, and therefore every form of philosophy, every form of theological concept, is merely an escape from the actual reality of what is. All outward forms of change brought about by wars, revolutions, reformations, laws and ideologies have failed completely to change the basic nature of man and therefore of society.
19. The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason: The Morning Daylight appears plainer when you put out your Candle.
Benjamin Franklin, the incompatibility of faith and reason, Poor Richard’s Almanack (1758)
20. Lighthouses are more helpful then churches.
21. If God has made us in his image, we have returned him the favor.

22. Those who believe absurdities will commit atrocities.
23. Black holes would seem to suggest that God not only plays dice, but also sometimes throws them where they cannot be seen.
Stephen Hawking, NATURE, 1975

24. We could call order by the name of God, but it would be an impersonal God. There’s not much personal about the laws of physics.
25. Tradition becomes our security, and when the mind is secure it is in decay.
Jiddu Krishnamurti

26. The constant assertion of belief is an indication of fear.
Jiddu Krishnamurti

27. What can be asserted without proof can be dismissed without proof.
Christopher Hitchens
28. Christopher Hitchens On Jerry Falwell: If you gave Falwell an enema, he could be buried in a matchbox.
29. Religion is an illusion and it derives its strength from the fact that it falls in with our instinctual desires.
Sigmund Freud

30. Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people.
Karl Marx

31. The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
George Bernard Shaw

32. Men never commit evil so fully and joyfully as when they do it for religious convictions.
Blaise Pascal Quote

32. You’re basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.
Richard Jeni Quote

34. With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.
Steven Weinberg Quote

35. The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.
Delos B. McKown Quote

36. Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.
Edward Gibbon

37. Our ignorance is God; what we know is science.
Robert Ingersoll

38. The foolish reject what they see and not what they think; the wise reject what they think and not what they see.
Huang Po

39. Where knowledge ends, religion begins.
Benjamin Disraeli Quote

40. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish.
Quote from Unknown

41. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
Dave Barry

42. Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?
- Epicurus Quotes

43. The opposite of the religious fanatic is not the fanatical atheist but the gentle cynic who cares not whether there is a god or not.
Eric Hoffer Quotes

44. I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
Bill Maher

45. There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.
46. If we go back to the beginning, we shall find that ignorance and fear created the gods; that fancy, enthusiasm, or deceit adorned them; that weakness worships them; that credulity preserves them and that custom, respect and tyranny support them in order to make the blindness of men serve their own interests. If the ignorance of nature gave birth to gods, the knowledge of nature is calculated to destroy them.
Baron D’Holbach, cited in Jonathan Miller. (2004). A Brief History of Disbelief [TV-Series].
47. If I thought the Jews killed God, I’d worship the Jews.
Bill Hicks

48. Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.
Isaac Asimov

49. A belief which leaves no place for doubt is not a belief; it is a superstition.
José Bergamín

50. One of the great tragedies of mankind is that morality has been hijacked by religion.
Arthur C. Clarke Quotes

Monday, August 9, 2010

It's a MIRACLE!!

I was driving to work this morning, and I was running a little late. It's not unusual, I hate waking up so getting out of bed on time is a challenge for me every day (I have to get up at 5am to get to work on time).

This morning I hit the snooze bar one too many times and didn't get out of bed till 5:20am. When I realized that I was late, after the obligatory cursing that comes from realizing you are running late for work, I got up and got in the shower, dressed and hurried my way out the door to work.

Now here is where the MIRACLE from God happened!!

My drive started out like it did every other day, but this day God was on my side! The reason I say that is this: I hit EVERY light green from my house to the freeway! Yes, that's correct, it had NOTHING to do with traffic patterns or timing or driving the speed limit. It had EVERYTHING to do with God taking the time to change all the lights to green BEFORE I got to the intersection. It was a MIRACLE, I didn't even have to pray for it, God just gave me green lights! I am sure it was because I was THE ONLY PERSON that needed to be on time for work so God took the time to make sure I got there on time.

It's funny how people will thank God for getting them to work on time or the food that farmers grew, grocery stores sold and THEY bought. But, if something goes bad for these same people, it's NOT Gods fault, it's theirs as they must be getting 'tested' by God for some reason. Wow, so God gets the kudos but YOU have to take the rap if something bad happens?


I would love to take credit for good stuff, and NEVER be responsible for the bad stuff!

Where do I sign up?

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

If you aren't christian, GO TO HELL!

It seems to me that, that appears to be the motto of every bible thumping 'missionary' for Christianity on the planet.
This message isn't new however, in 1939 there was a certain world leader that touted that very message along with 'If you aren't German, DIE!' This fellow took the time to burn books, imprison the handicapped and gypsies as well as homosexuals. Eventually that same 'leader' put over SIX MILLION people to death.
Today, while at work, one of my employees was talking to another employee about terrorists and what should be done. Their solution was to imprison or deport all people of Islamic faith. REALLY?? This is the Christian solution?
I only ask this because there are more than a few evangelicals preaching drivel of this sort all over the 'Christian' network channels. Nearly every show spends at least a third of it's time preaching this very philosophy of 'If you aint Christian, you are evil and should be stopped!'
Last I checked there are plenty of decent, hard working and very caring NON CHRISTIANS in the world. Just because one doesn't view 'God' the same doesn't make them evil, JUST DIFFERENT.
And of course there's me....

Being an Atheist makes it worse, after all people (and this has been empirically proven) trust murderers and convicted criminals before they trust an 'open' Atheist. That is just SAD. If you want someone trustworthy, look for someone that doesn't wallow in self deception and you will find an ATHEIST. If you feel that is untrustworthy, I think maybe you need to look inside and find out why you feel so very threatened by a logical, overtly honest person. After all, to be an Atheist, one must be honest with oneself first and see the world and the universe as it truly is. Beautiful, amazing and NATURAL. NOT Supernatural!

Love ya all.

Friday, July 9, 2010

I would like to thank God for the following:

You know I am inspired to write and thank God for all that he/she/it has done for me over the last few decades. I would be remiss and ungrateful if I didn't take the time to say a little prayer and thank the Supreme Being/Creator for all that I have and have accomplished.

Here is my list of things I would like to thank God for in brief: ..... RIIIIIIGHT!

My existence! Without God I would not exist. After all, without God's influence, my parents would NEVER have made love and created me! They would just have had a sexless marriage and been childless.

My siblings! Again, without God, my parents would NEVER have had sex and therefore NEVER had any children whatsoever.

My Job! Yes, it was ALL God's doing that I am employed! God went to the job interview, influenced the interviewer to hire me and even wrote my resume!

My wife! Without God's inspiration, she would have stayed in her previous relationship and been supremely happy with her verbally abusive asshole of an ex husband!

My Son! Without God's help, I would never have had the wherewithal to make love to my wife and create our son!

Whiskey! Yup, you guessed it, God created the whiskey and helps me to have a glass every now and then!

My truck being paid off! Without God writing the checks, I would NEVER have paid it off! It had NOTHING to do with my budgeting and paying the bill!

Golf! God created it, he inspired me to enjoy it and even made me a decent player. I didn't even have to practice!! Yes God made me a golfer!

Football! Without God's influence, I would never have become a Redskins Fan!! I am sure though that God is a bit disappointed that it's mostly played on Sundays. Then again, he is probably a Cowboys fan so it really doesn't matter what he thinks on that count.

This is just a small list, I am sure I could have thanked God for electricity, air, water and of course gasoline and computers but hey, I didn't see the point in overkill. Let's just say that I am blessed that God has done all these things for me and NOBODY had to put in any effort whatsoever to make these things happen!

Thanks God.............................................................................................

For nothing.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Another Christian Zealot Group Exposed.

It has been a while since I posted, for that I apologize. Life has kept me busy and also given me TONS of material.

I have to say though one thing that lit my fire - or should I say pissed me off was while channel surfing (something I do with regularity, I swear I have T.V. A.D.D) I came across this goofy, glasses sporting guy hosting what appeared to be a cheap imitation of  "The No Spin Zone" that of course caught my attention. I should have paid more attention to the channel on which the show was airing, had I done that, I probably would not have given it much thought; it was on the Inspiration channel. You know, one of the 10,000 bible thumping, let's send money and have T.V group prayer channels; the kind of thing you watch to be amused and get a good laugh, NOT a channel to be taken seriously by any THINKING, RATIONAL Individual.

I watched this show unfold, at first the host ranted about how "Christian Values" were being corrupted by a Secular Government, run by Atheists and non-believers. (correct me if I am wrong, but wasn't the US of A founded as a SECULAR body?) At that point I was going to simply discount the host as yet another "Religious Nut-Job" and change the channel, maybe I should have. I would have simply laughed him off as nuts and moved on. I didn't, I watched it, like you would watch a train wreck unfold; in disbelief. It was one of the most hate filled diatribes I have ever had the displeasure of witnessing.

After the short speech about the Evil Non-Christian people in America, he proceeded into the meat of the broadcast; It appears that there is a group of Muslims that want to build a Mosque near (within a couple blocks) of "Ground Zero" in NY. The host went on to talk about how horrible it was that ANYONE would consider allowing "Terrorists" to build THEIR buildings anywhere near the "holy ground" that is Ground Zero. He talked about how "this is proof" of our loss of "christian values" and that we should call to "put our names on a petition to STOP the 'terrorists' (read: non-christians) from building a Mosque near Ground Zero."

I called the number, and of course the person on the phone began with the same hate filled rhetoric I had just heard on the television program, after about thirty seconds of listening to this the phone person asked me if I would like to "Make a donation of only $100 - $200 dollars to help 'Jay' take the fight to stop the terrorists all the way to the Supreme Court". At that point, I hung up disgusted and annoyed. We have a person with a TV show spouting "christian hate" and inciting people to join him in his hate and anger towards 'non-believers', and THEN they ask for Money! NOW I GET IT, much like the TV Evangelicals, this group is fomenting hate and discontent to pad their pockets. Will there ever be a petition to stop non-christian groups from building their religious structures? I think not. I did some research on this ACLJ Group and found some interesting stuff:

First this organization was founded by: Pat Robertson - You know this asshat - he founded the Christian Coalition -

Here are some interesting facts about this group:

* ACLJ is a strong supporter of the Federal Marriage Amendment intended to ban same-sex marriage.

* ACLJ strongly opposes the right to legal, safe abortion and provides legal help to pro-life protesters who harass women seeking reproductive services.

* The ACLJ challenges domestic partnership benefits for city and state employees, anti-discrimination ordinances that include sexual orientation, and generally fights against the right of gays and lesbians to be parents.

* ACLJ defended a group of parents who drove a transsexual teacher out of her job in Minnesota.

* Supported a Kmart pharmacist who refused to dispense birth control pills.

* Pursued litigation over various claims that children are being told that they cannot pray on school grounds or talk about their religion.

Here is a quote from the chief council:

"Can you imagine, that in public schools of America today, students are being taught that homosexual conduct, which in many states is still deemed illegal, is not only a viable alternative lifestyle, but is actually equal to heterosexual relationships?"
– Jay Sekulow, January 2, 1997, Danbury News-Times

The hate mongering and profiteering needs to stop. This guy is almost as vile as Jim Jones. The only difference between Jonestown and Evangelical Christianity is that the Evangelicals have their own TV Networks and due to their large numbers get away with abusing and fomenting hate and distrust of anyone that chooses to believe something OTHER than Christian Dogma.

Are we as "non-believers" supposed to sit back and allow this to continue? I would urge every single person who is as offended as myself to not only boycott the ACLJ and their hate tactics, but to voice your discontent and disbelief at their behavior in whatever medium you have available to you, post signs in your yards, windows, create bumper stickers and flyers, repost this to every blog you can find, post your thoughts on this on the blogs and newgroups that participate in this obscenity. Let your voice be heard, we cannot as a group of Free Thinking Individuals let this continue unabated, we need to push back before we are pushed out.

Let me clarify something, I am NOT Muslim, Jewish, Christian or any other religious or ethnic group. I am not a homosexual looking to fire up a defense. I am simply a free thinking person that has seen and heard enough to be sickened by the hate and anger being spouted.

Matter of fact, I think every time I find a place to post my disbelief at this behavior I will do so.

Atheists and Non-Christians, let your voice be heard.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

What the $!@#%

Last night, my wife invited her sister's family to go to dinner with us. While I am not always a 'huge fan' of going to dinner with her family. (They for the most part annoy me)-- although they are good material for my blog and my book.

We arrive and are waiting for them to arrive, after a few minutes, my wife the patient individual that she is --she's about as patient as a tick at a blood drive, calls her sister at their HOME number. Of course, they haven't left yet and they are already 10 minutes late. Normally, this isn't annoying but you have to understand first; I'm HUNGRY, my 11 year old is hungry and I wanted to go out to dinner, I just wasn't planning on having to wait to eat till her sister and family arrived. About 20 minutes after she calls, they arrive, fight with their 2 year old to sit down and behave order our food and of course make small talk till the food arrives.

Once the food arrives, my wife, myself and our son dig in. It's chow-time right?

Loudly and in her most annoying voice my wife's sister announces "Son, fold your arms!" she then leans across her husband and begins forcibly grabbing at her 2 year old. The kid of course begins his "aaah, aaah, NO, NO" routine, slapping her hands away and avoiding her. Frustrated I am sure, she then YELLS (In a CROWDED Restaurant) "We are SAYING A PRAYER, FOLD YOUR ARMS!" I swear, the entire dining-room was staring at our table. She then says loudly "Honey, say the prayer." Staring at my son "We are Praying now!" My son, stared and continued to chew on his pizza that he had ordered.

She nudges her husband who blurts out some quick and dirty little prayer, his face red as a beet, at the end of his prayer, his wife announces "AMEN!" then tells my son, "you can eat now, the food is blessed."

I, if it weren't for the fact that I love my wife and of course didn't want to make the scene any worse wanted desperately to punch that psycho directly in the forehead and then loudly apologize to the entire restaurant for her behavior.

Needless to say, I have some questions:

Since when did people pray loudly in restaurants? Is this a new phenomena or have I just been oblivious?

Is this some kind of new christian dogma that people are supposed to publicly display their belief in imaginary beings?

Am I wrong to be mortified and pity their kid?

What do you think?

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Religion is an advance fee fraud.


Before I get the Christian Coalition out here banging on my door or the Mormon Mafia hunting me down, hear me out. I plan to make some parallels that I think you as a RATIONAL individual should see and understand. This is not to say that all of you that read this will understand or even consider this as possible.

Just hear me out. Once you have read this THINK about it, don't PRAY about it, just think.

What put me in this mode of thought was an email I received from a very wealthy prince in Nigeria that needed my help to get millions of dollars out of the country. In exchange for my help he was willing to give me hundreds of thousands of dollars! Yes, just for me being a good Samaritan and helping him to fraudulently sneak millions out of the country, he was willing to give a stranger a ton of money. I have received hundreds of these emails in the past and have at times even participated in "scam baiting" where I would toy with the scammer, wasting his or her time and resources with the ultimate goal of keeping them busy and away from the uneducated or unsuspecting.

Usually the emails went something like this:

I am contacting you because I want you to go to the security company
claim the money on my behalf since I have declared that the
belong to my foreign business partner. You shall also be required to
me in investment in your country. I hope to trust you as a God fearing
person who will not sit on this money when you claim it, rather assist
properly, I am willing to offer you 25% of the funds for your sincere
assistance. When I receive your positive response I will let you know
the security company is . For now, let all our
communication be by e-mail because my lines are right now connected
to the
Philippines Telecommunication Network services. Please do send me
telephone/ fax number so that we can have a smooth communication.
Please treat this vital information with maturity and sincerity.
Your due coperation in this regards, will be duely appreciated. I look
forward to your urgent reply.
Thank you and God bless us all.
Warmest Regards

Dr. Mrs Luisa Pimentel Estrad

Usually as you can see in this excerpt, they ALWAYS use God and pity/mercy to get you to buy in to their little scheme. Of course, you know how this ends right? You jump in, thinking that you are going to get some large sum of money for doing a "favor" for a poor widow etc. Once they have your information, and have strung you along with some official looking documents, they will hit a "snag", oops! You need to come up with some money to bribe the banker, pay off a Govt. Official, release the funds from the holding house etc... Once you have paid this, they will have something else come up and eventually they bleed you dry, and sadly you NEVER see one penny of the money they promised you.

You would NEVER in a MILLION YEARS do that would you? I didn't think so, you are way to rational to fall for something that obvious and silly right?

Let's look at religion. I am not going to pick on a specific religion per se. I will however use examples from different religions so that you can see the parallels.

First: religion promises all "faithful followers" a place in Heaven. All you have to do is follow all of the rules and regulations set forth in the Bible, Koran, Book of Mormon, Old Testament or whatever religious text a group says is "from God" etc. Of course the rules are convoluted, many times contradictory (See my Taking the Bible Literally post) and not to mention impossible. But, since God is unchanging and perfect, it's the way it has to be.

Second: religion will use hellfire, brimstone and of course good old fashioned guilt to get it's followers to "donate" their time, income, abilities and sometimes lives. Of course, they aren't actually donating it, they are ostensibly exchanging this for a "ticket to Heaven". Some religions even go as far as to mandate a percentage of the followers income that MUST be donated in order to be "worthy" of going to heaven. Of course in the REAL world outside of religion, tactics such as this are commonly known as EXTORTION here in the good ole' US of A the FBI usually puts folks in prison for that kind of behavior.

Third: religion will also mandate to it's followers acceptable modes of dress. The Mormons mandate long underwear for their members, Islam demands women cover themselves from head to toe, except in the presence of their husbands alone, I am not sure but I believe Scientologists are required to wear their tin foil hats to meetings still, the Amish in their hyper conservative dress as well as the Menonites and many others all requiring their members to dress a certain way. This of course is done under the guise of making ones self pleasing to the lord. Really it is about control.

These are just three points to ponder.

Here is the last point. After you donate your time, money and life to the church of your choice. Live the rules as confused as you are to the best of your ability and dress in the acceptable manner prescribed by your leaders, prophets, imams, and priests. What does religion do to you?

They hit you with the WHAMMY!

You have to take it all on FAITH that you will actually get the "reward" promised for doing all this stuff. Now, before you go off and have a tizzy fit and say "It's all based on faith, you have to have faith" etc... then say something about how God will damn you if you are faithless, I want to ask one last question. If you can answer this honestly, I think you will see it my way.

Did the followers of Jim Jones get their reward, and if God really does exist, why can't all religions agree on who and what God is? Since it's supposed to be a Universal Truth that God exists, tell me why can't any religions agree on who or what God is supposed to represent?

Don't give me: "my church is true, others are false" we all know and you know too, that is ridiculous!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I live with a Heathen!


I come home from work, ready to be a father and husband. What do I find? My wife in a TIZZY! The reason for this wasn't because our landlord kicked everyone out of our building and is going to sell it to Russian Mafia members to cook drugs, it wasn't because our son was attacked by midgets at school, it wasn't even because she thought she was pregnant and at thirty-eight wasn't ready to be a weeble again.


That wasn't it at all......

After talking to her for a few minutes and dodging flying dish towels and colorful metaphors, I finally pried out of her that she had been "graced" with a visit from the Jehova's Witness Missionaries. NORMALLY this isn't a cause to be upset, typically she would have said "no, thanks." and they would have been on their way.

Unfortunately, she was feeling generous. I say unfortunately because now she is angry, insulted and downright pissed off.

She let them in. THAT is where this story very quickly goes "down the tubes".

After a few minutes of them telling her how she needs to have her soul saved and the only way to do it is through "coming right with Jehova". She had some questions; Her first question was: "What does it take for me to get to heaven?" their response was "You don't get to go, you stay on earth with all of the good people." That is where the argument began.

She began by telling them that if she couldn't go to "heaven" what's the point of joining them or changing her beliefs. (She is agnostic). They told her that if she wasn't a "witness" she would go to hell.

She asked them if they were so good and religious, why do their churches have no windows? Some light and truth they have right? They responded that it was a concern about vandalism. If you are the right and true religion (read all the other Christian and non-Christian denominations) then you would have windows. At one point she pointed out that even the Satanic Church as a damn window. (natural light is a big deal for her).

They asked her if she believed that God was real and would pass judgment on mankind. She told them that she thought God was a loving fellow and would welcome everyone that tried to be good to heaven. She then asked them if they didn't think God had better things to do with his time than judge people for petty issues. This discussion went back and forth for a while, with my wife asking them questions from her agnostic point of view and them telling her she was wrong and would go to hell if she didn't change her beliefs to follow everything that the "Watchtower" told her to believe.

A few minutes of this went by, the discussion deteriorating into a full blown philosophical argument, Finally, probably out of desperation the male of the pair, red faced and frustrated shouted at her "You are a Heathen, and I damn you to hell!" (keep in mind they are in MY living room). My wife stood up, "You need to get the FUCK out of my house or I will cut you damn dick off asshole!" (She was NOT amused). The male again started in with the arguing and cajoling with her, mind you he didn't even attempt to apologize for his outburst, the female sat there next to him, looking like she wished she could crawl under the couch and escape. My wife stood up and walked to the kitchen, as she entered the kitchen, she shouted back to the "Missionaries" "You are gone when I come back in there, if not I WILL stab your asses!"

All she heard was the door slamming.

When I got home, she was still upset.

Folks, this is EXACTLY the right way to recruit new members to your Religion/Cult/Club/Business Right? I mean hell, if it were me and I were approached that way, I would DEFINITELY sign right up!

Have any of you had experiences like this with "J.W's"? Are they all this thick and dim witted?

I know Mormon Missionaries can be aggressive, but I have NEVER heard of any of them misbehaving like this....

How would you feel?

I think it's a powerful argument for why Atheism is SOOOO much better for your mind.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Taking the Bible Literally

This isn't my own writing obviously. It's been on the internet for YEARS (since at least 2006) it does raise some valid if not absolutely funny points.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.
a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?
g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?
i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

And to keep the fun going a funny picture you might enjoy....


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

If I were a religious man......

If I were a religious man.....I would probably find this post INCREDIBLY OFFENSIVE. Since I am not a religious individual and I hope that whether or not you are a religious person, you can take this with the sense in which it is intended: Humor....

Yes, that's right, I am going to poke fun at religion, belief etc. If you think I'm wrong or a blasphemer, feel free to tell me. Matter of fact, I won't censor your posts (Like MORMON sites and many Christian pages do) Say your piece, you have that right here. Nobody gets censored save for pornography. Although it has it's place and I have been known to be a fan of it from time to time, it's place is not here.

So, without further adieu here we go......

If this is what going to church looked like, I WOULD be there every Sunday and twice at X-Mas!!! You better believe it, If this were church, I would be a True Believer For Life!! You could even get me to donate income if that is what it looked like to go.

Sadly it's not.....

Church/Religious belief actually looks like this:

And I am sure you all know, the "guilt" factor of being religious and going to church. Everything damn thing you do is a SIN, yes that's right. Touch your weenie, you SINNER. Check out an ass --You got it!! SINNER! Watch the game instead of going to Church -- SINNER!! No wonder Church looks like an old hag. It sucks and you would never wanna be seen with it in public!! It's not even a moped. You don't get to even have fun 'riding' it!!

Tell you what, if you look closely you can see that EVEN TRUE BELIEVERS, DON'T BELIEVE AND ARE ONLY GOOD WHEN SOMEONE IS WATCHING. Check out the pic, it's the perfect example of what I mean.

I remember a time I went to an "Adult Bookstore" to buy some "Adult Magazines", Yes I do occasionally check em out. (My wife bought me a subscription to Playboy). While I was in there perusing the different magazines for sale, I saw a familiar face --- MY BISHOP!! When I said hello, he did the "Whaaaaa!!!! Ummm hello brother..... I was just seeing what was so tempting about this for my talk on Sunday." -- Sure he was, that's why he was playing "pocket pool" and holding the magazine with one hand? Because he was doing research??? I don't think so...

The apologist would say that this van is in the parking lot to hand out brochures and to beg sinners to stop sinning. Maybe they are there witnessing? NO, they are jerking off in the peep-show and causing the scum bucket guy to do some work.

Let's get real.


Monday, March 22, 2010

More Funny Thoughts

Jack Handy Quotes:

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.

If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'

"There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable."
Mark Twain.

"I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album."
Rita Rudner.

"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."
Stephen King.

"In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it."
Dave Thomas.

"If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences."
William Sunday.

"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn."
Fulton Sheen.

"Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night."
Woody Allen

"I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls."
Groucho Marx

Thursday, March 18, 2010

The "Coffee Shop" (working title)

I thought I would share the first installment/chapter in my pet project. What do you think?

As usual, the coffee shop was teeming with customers. It always seemed to be that way after “bar rush”, the time before last call at the bars and prior to the drunks going home to sleep off their night of drinking. Most of the burnt umber vinyl booths were already full with rowdy drunks, eating plates of French fries and drinking gallons of overdone coffee. The only booth that wasn’t filled was number one. This booth sat directly next to the managers office and across from the walled off station where the wait staff prepared shakes, pies, and other desserts for the customers. There were two sections in the restaurant, “smoking” and “non”. On a bar night, you couldn’t tell the difference as the number of smokers smoking created a cloud of smoke that filled the entire building with the acrid smell of used ashtrays and bad coffee.

About twelve a.m. the “regulars” that have the unofficial reservation for the first booth in smoking right next to the managers office will be showing up soon.

“I hate those guys” whined Shelly, her shrill voice would kill small children if it were released in public. As the lead waitress, and resident speed freak she was not happy to have customers that demanded a bit of attention. Her preference would be that they sit down, shut up and leave as quickly as they came in, of course they should also leave a large tip. Shelly shook her head at the night manager Philip, her stringy brown hair creating a dirty wave around her face.
“I’m going on break before they get here.”

“Ok, just be ready to pick up your orders when you get back in here.” Philip, a diminutive chubby Hispanic, who, no matter the situation, always smiled and never had a harsh word for anyone shouted to her as Shelly walked out into the parking lot for her break.

“Yea, Yea I know.” Shelly muttered between clenched teeth holding her cigarette. Her cigarette wasn’t your typical Marlboro or Camel, this was her “special” cigarette. It was loaded with 2 rocks of crystal methamphetamine shoved into the end. When Shelly was secluded in a dark corner of the parking lot, she lit her cigarette and inhaled the first hit of speed. The effect was immediate, her pulse jumped up, everything around her seemed to slow down, even the cars passing on busy State Street seemed to be moving at five miles per hour, not the normal forty-five that the street signs called for. The air was cool on her skin, the perspiration of working in the coffee shop was evaporating off of her, cooling her. Shelly took another deep drag on her smoke, the smoke filled her lungs like a warm fog.

“I don’t want to go back in there” she muttered to herself, the tiresome work of being a waitress was not what she wanted for herself. Another deep drag on her cigarette.

As she exhaled the smoke, watching it billow out of her mouth and into the night air, she thought back to why she moved to Salt Lake City in the first place; she wanted to be an attorney. Her dream was to get into law school at the University of Utah and become an attorney. She knew that if she stayed at home in Idaho, she would always be the daughter of a diesel mechanic and work in her fathers truck wash in Pocatello for the rest of her life. So, move to Utah she did. She applied to the School of Law and was turned down for admittance. Her grades in high school were not good enough to get her into Law School and she hadn’t yet completed her prerequisite courses.

She then enrolled in school at Salt Lake Community College and started work on her Associates Degree, this didn’t last long, she began using speed as a way to study late at night. This turned into a daily habit that eventually forced her to quit school and look for work to support her habit. Since she had no real skills to speak of, she began working as an escort.

Contrary to popular belief, escorts do NOT simply go to dinner with rich men and dress in cocktail gowns and sip champagne with high society. Escorts work as “legal” prostitutes. For a few months Shelly spent time stripping and sucking the cocks of fat, bald, sweaty Johns for eighty dollars an hour, plus tip. Once this got old and after being arrested and dealing with a solicitation charge, Shelly had decided to go straight and get a job where she wasn’t being paid to take off her clothes and perform demeaning sex acts on strange men. This is when she began working at the coffee shop. It wasn’t the fifteen hundred dollars a week she was used to making; it was at least respectable work though.

“Damn, breaks over..” Shelly muttered as she took the last drag on her cigarette and began grudgingly walking back into the coffee shop. About half way through the parking lot, Shelly heard the deep throaty rumbling of multiple motorcycles pulling into the parking lot, accompanied by the banter of guys chatting as they pulled in.

“Shit, they’re here. There goes my night.” she really disliked those guys. They always showed up about this time every damn night and stayed till the coffee shop closed. All they ever drank was coffee, and sometimes, just sometimes, they would eat something. If they tipped, it was something south of five bucks. The worst part was that Philip would “comp” their drinks and food, meaning that they NEVER paid for anything. Philip said this was because they were “unofficial security” for the late night hours of the coffee shop. Really, Shelly thought is was because they were bums and never wanted to pay for anything they didn’t have to.

“Hey Shelly, how’s it going?” one of the guys shouted as he got off his motorcycle. That would be Pete. This guy always wore a black leather motorcycle jacket (the kind of jacket that you would see in old fifties biker movies) along with black leather chaps, black jeans, and a plaid patterned button down shift. His jet black hair cut into a mullet that reached the middle of his back. Pete sauntered over towards Shelly, his body moving side to side, similar to the way a cowboy who had been busting horses all day would walk.

“Gimme a hug!” Pete shouted as he moved toward her, his grin widening on his face as he approached her, his heavy work boots clomping on the ground.

“Ugh, not again” thought Shelly. This guy always wants to hug. She could taste the vomit rising in her throat.

“How you been, sweetie?” Pete asked as he approached her, all grins.

As he approached her, she could clearly see his unshaven, patchy beard and goatee. As his smile widened she could also see the multiple missing teeth and the ugly brown stains of tooth decay working their way through his remaining teeth.

“He would be attractive, if he had all his teeth and would shave once in a while,” she thought to herself. “Well, that and if he had a job.”

Pete hadn’t held down a job in over two years, he claimed it was because he was clinically depressed, which he used to “pick up women” on a regular basis, believing that women were attracted to dark, somber guys that never said much. This was in stark contrast to the behavior he was showing now, all toothless smiles and hugs.

“Been good Pete, how are you?” she replied. She really didn’t care. It was just the reaction to the question posed.

“I missed you. Had to come see you.” This was Pete’s attempt at flirting with Shelly.

“You were here last night, the night before and every other night for the last month, dude, so how did you miss me?” The sarcasm wasn’t obvious to Pete as he kept smiling, opened his arms, and stepped in to hug Shelly.

“Still missed ya, sexy.”

As Pete hugged Shelly, she could smell the combination of beer, bad aftershave and stale cigarettes. Not exactly a sexy mixture. The hug to Shelly, seemed to last far too long for her taste. Pete wrapped his arms around her and pushed his crotch against her, Shelly pulled back away from Pete.

“Gotta go back to work, Pete. See you inside, ok?”

Shelly quickly untangled herself from Pete and briskly walked back into the coffee shop, leaving Pete watching her walk away.

“Ok, babe.”

“Whatever,” Shelly whispered as she hurried back into the confines of the coffee shop. His neediness was obvious.

Pete watched her as she walked into the restaurant, thoughts of her naked on top of him running through his mind. He turned back to his friend who was just dismounting from his motorcycle, an older blue Yamaha 650 with a tall “bitch seat” on the back.

“I will get in her pants one day bro.”

“SURE you will, you know she doesn’t like you right?” laughed Byron.

Byron shook his long shoulder length brown hair out of his eyes, straightened his black leather jacket, pulled the black leather gloves off his hands and began walking towards the entrance to the coffee shop. His broad frame lumbering bear-like as he moved.

“No, dude she does. She just doesn’t know it yet,” Pete said confidently.

“Riiight, that’s why she looks at you like someone just pooed on the floor in front of her?” Byron stopped, reached into the inside pocket of his jacket, removing a pack of cigarettes and his Zippo, he lit a cigarette, inhaled and smiled at Pete.

“She doesn’t dude, that’s fucked up bro.” Pete was not amused by this observation. Pausing, Pete pulled a smoke and his lighter out of his jacket and lit up as well. Byron reached over, patted Pete on the shoulder.

“Whatever man, let’s go get some coffee and relax.” Byron knew what the deal was between Shelly and Pete. He wanted her, and she wanted him to never talk to her again. It was like watching a puppy try to play with a cat that just wasn’t interested. Pete was going to eventually get his nose scratched.

Together they walked into the coffee shop. It was a bustling hive of activity. There were waitresses moving back and forth between tables pouring coffee and bringing sodas and fries to the various tables and booths scattered throughout the smoke filled restaurant.

“Look, the tables open bro,” smiled Pete behind his lit cigarette.

“Cool, I gotta hit the bathroom, be right there. Get me some coffee will ya?” Byron asked as he walked through the non-smoking section with his cigarette burning on his way to the restroom. Smoke trailed behind him as he moved to the restroom.

“oy, yoy yoy, you know you aren’t supposed to do that Byron!” Philip the night manager told Byron as he passed him.

“My bad, flipper.” Byron didn’t really care, after all this was HIS place and Philip wouldn’t do anything about it anyway, well besides “comp” his coffee and probably his dinner if he ordered one tonight.

The beer in Byron’s bladder drained from him into the urinal in a solid stream. It felt good to return the “rented beer”. After about 45 seconds, Byron shook the remaining drops from his penis and zipped back up. After washing his hands and checking his hair in the mirror, he left the restroom. On his way to the table where Pete was waiting Byron stopped. Bent over picking up some dropped silverware was Nikki, a little redheaded waitress with a butt you could bounce quarters off of. Nikki saw Byron watching her, looked up un-amused.

“Like the view?” Nikki asked sardonically.

“Of course.” Byron smiled, she had a nice low cut shirt on, and he could just about see her dime sized nipples poking through her flimsy lace bra.

“I bet you do.” Nikki went back to picking up the silverware, trying hard to ignore Byron’s attention.

“Yeah, have fun.” Byron walked past Nikki, nodded to Pete, waved to some other acquaintances sitting at their tables and booths and sat down across from Pete in their booth.

“You know she hates that bro?” laughed Pete as he stubbed out his cigarette and took a long swallow from his coffee cup.

“Uh, huh. That’s why I do it. It’s more fun that way.” Byron poured himself a cup of coffee.

“How’s the coffee?” Byron asked as he surveyed the restaurant.

“Shitty as always.” Pete smiled. The coffee was always crap here, but they didn’t come for the coffee. They came because that was what they did, and the coffee was free as long as they helped Philip control the “riffraff” that sometimes came into the coffee shop.

Byron stubbed out his cigarette, smiled and swallowed some of his coffee. It was bitter and tasted burnt. “Yup, it sucks as usual.”

“You guys gonna have anything other than coffee?” Shelly really didn’t care, she just had to ask. Her disdain was obvious.

“What kind of pie you got?” Pete asked.

“Apple, Cherry, Peanut Butter Cup, and Lemon Meringue.”

“So, is the Cherry good?” Pete winked as he asked, leering at Shelly’s ample chest.

“If you mean the pie, yes. If you are referring to something else, you will never know will you?” She was not amused by this attempt at being dirty.

“How bout some cheese fries?” Byron was hungry, but not for real food; just something to munch on.

“Anything else, or just the coffee and fries?”

“That’s it for me, Shelly,” Byron nodded to Pete.

“Just coffee for me.” As usual, all Pete could afford if Philip didn’t comp him was coffee.

“Uh, huh” Shelly turned and walked from the table, went back to the kitchen.

“Cheese fries for Byron,” the cook looked up at her.

“What no ticket?” The cook was new and he didn’t know that there was NEVER a ticket for fries.

“I wish.” Shelly was more than a bit irritated with the whole thing. If she had her way, they would never come into the restaurant again. For some reason Philip just insisted that, that was what happened.

“Ok, one cheese fry”

Shelly walked away from the window shaking her head and wondering just why she kept working here, tolerating all the stupidity that the coffee shop had to offer left her jaded.

Byron scanned the coffee shop from behind the mug of stale coffee. From his vantage point, he could see just about every table in the restaurant. In the booth next to his, a young couple were talking, the guy trying really hard to be interesting and funny while the girl toyed with her slice of apple pie alamode. Across the room sat a lonely looking elderly man that seemed to be staring off into space, almost as if he were waiting for a visit from the Grim Reaper to take his pain away. Scattered throughout the dining room were drunks, scantily dressed club girls, and various other folks just trying to eat their late dinners.

Pete lit another cigarette, inhaled and stared at the ceiling. “I really need to get laid. This dry spell is killing me.”

Turning his gaze away from the activity of the dining room, Bryon stared at Pete, swallowed more stale coffee and shrugged.

Pete, annoyed with the lack of response stared. “Well, you have nothing to say?”

Bored with the thought of dealing with Pete’s lack of a sex life, Byron leaned forward whispering to keep their conversation in the booth.

“Get a hooker, bud, if you really want to get laid. Just fucking do it already.”

“I want a relationship, B. I don’t just want to get it wet. Ya know?” Pete was a love freak. Every time he got laid he thought he was engaged to be married.

“You just told me you wanted to get laid!” Bryon was laughing, this guy was just too much.

“I want a girlfriend, sex and everything.” Pete always looked so melancholy when he started talking about relationships.

“And you think you will find that here, in a coffee shop?”

“I don’t know, I hope so.” Loneliness is such a depressing thing to watch.

“Rather than looking in bars and coffee shops, try grocery stores or the park. You will probably do better there man. Also it wouldn’t kill you to get a job.” It was a bit of a dig, but it needed to be said though.


Pete really didn’t want to hear that. He honestly believed that he was so depressed that it was a handicap and he could get disability and never have to work. Of course, inherent laziness never qualified anyone for disability income.

“What do you want to do later? I really don’t want to hang out here till 5a.m. again.” Watching Pete pine for Shelly was getting old.

“I don’t have any cash.” Of course he didn’t. He never did. The only time he ever had any money at all was after he donated plasma at the blood bank. Then the twenty or so dollars he got went into the gas tank of his motorcycle and a couple packs of discount cigarettes.

“How do you expect to get anything other than old hags at the bar without a job?” Pete just didn’t get it, you need to have some kind of money or at least be a decent prospect if you wanted to get with anything other than horribly ugly and or disfigured women that live in poorly lit bars. Being jobless, toothless and chronically depressed was never going to get him anywhere.

Byron lit up another cigarette, inhaled deeply and looked out the large glass window next to the booth, watching the late night traffic cruising up and down State Street. Across the street from the coffee shop, he could see a pair of street walkers offering their services to passing cars. Occasionally, a car would stop, one of the girls would lean in the window her short skirt riding up, giving an open view of her panty free crotch blanketed in dark hair. Her thick thighs wrapped in thigh high lacey stockings completed the view. She wasn’t terrible looking, but obviously a prostitute. Even if she dressed up, her body language would have given her away for what she was.

“Hey, Pete I see your future wife across the street!” Byron pointed out the window at the prostitutes across the street. Now maybe this would be fun he thought, to have a little fun at Pete‘s expense. That will make the night go by faster. Well, at least make it entertaining.

“Not funny.” Pete stared into his coffee cup. He hadn’t even bothered to look up or out the window. He turned the mug back and forth in his hands staring at the steam coming off the coffee, the cigarette between his fingers burning into a long cylindrical ash.

“Great, Dane’s here. Hide your smokes Pete.” Bounding into the restaurant was Dane Ogden, a rather rotund redhead. Usually, Dane’s company was welcomed even if he were more than a little annoying and had a tendency to be embarrassing from time to time. Every time Dane came around, he reminded Byron of an overexcited puppy dog, doing ‘shake’ for a doggy treat. Dane meant well, he just never seemed to get it to work out that way.

“Hey guys! Can I bum a smoke?” Now, Dane worked. As a matter of fact, he had two packs of unopened cigarettes in his jacket. He just didn’t see any problem in smoking everyone else’s cigarettes if he could get away with it.

“Jesus, Dane, you have smokes don’t you?” Annoyed by this, Byron wasn’t about to give up on forcing Dane to admit he had his own cigarettes.

“Well, I do. They just need to last till I get paid again.” The cheap ass son of a bitch was playing the ‘gotta last’ card. Not a new tactic, just a bullshit one.

“And mine don’t? Smoke your own, bud. I don’t have any to spare either.” Byron picked up his smokes and put them back in his jacket. After all, if you leave them on the table, they are free game.

“Fine.” Dane reached into his jacket and grabbed his cigarettes, pulling the cellophane wrapper off the pack he opened it up and slid out a cigarette.

“Move over.” this was said mid-motion as Dane’s large posterior slid in next to Pete.

“Whoah, you could have waited till I put down my damn coffee!” Pete was now wearing some of his coffee. Byron laughed loudly enough that the rest of the people in the restaurant could hear.

“Now that is funny!”

“Move fat ass, now I have to go clean up! Jesus, dude!” Pete slid across the vinyl seat of the booth, his now wet leather jacket making sucking noises as he moved.

“Relax, it’s only coffee. It’s not like I dumped a whole pot on you.” Dane was never good at just apologizing and letting things end. Dane flopped down into the booth.

“Oh, waitress, coffee me!” Dane waved his chubby hand at a passing waitress. The waitress stared at Dane, her face contorting into a ‘I just smelled pooh’ face and turned to the kitchen.

The restaurant was completely full now, people were moving from table to table passing out hugs as if they were anti war flyers in 1970. Everywhere Byron looked he could see smiles, drunken kisses, spilling drinks and harried waitresses running between tables doing their best to keep up with the constant ‘over here’ and ‘I need this or that’ requests from the customers. There was a near mob in the lobby of the restaurant all waiting to be seated, people were pacing, chatting and staring at the customers already seated at their scattered tables and booths.

Shifting in his seat, Byron picked up his coffee mug, sipped the now warm coffee, grimaced at the taste, and put the mug back on the table. The thought of spending the entire night in the coffee shop really did not appeal to him, but with friends with no job and no life what else was there?

“There has to be something besides sitting here we can do.” The monotony of always sitting at the coffee shop was getting to Byron.

“We could go to Sociables, except I don’t have any extra money.” Dane was suggesting the strip club that was a block and half away from the coffee shop. The strippers there were not exactly attractive, although with their over-inflated chest balloons they were something to watch, and the beer there was cheap if you bought it by the pitcher. Dane, just like Pete, never had any money to buy beer or tip strippers. Actually, a more accurate statement was this: Dane had the money, he would just rather mooch off his friends than spend any of his ‘hard earned money’.

“Fuck it, let’s go. I’m bored and want to do something other than spend another night sitting here staring at drunks and drinking this battery acid that they pass off as coffee.” Even though Byron would have to spring for the beer at Sociables, he would at least be doing something different tonight. Also, if he worked it right he could get one of his friends to maybe, just maybe, spring for a couple games of 8-ball on one of the bars fifty cent a game billiard tables.

“Soon as Pete gets back dude, we are going.” What was keeping Pete in the restroom anyway? All he had to do was clean up some coffee. It wasn’t like he had to wash his clothes in the laundry or something.

Pete, standing in front of the mirror in the men’s room stared at his reflection. The mirror was dirty and covered in water spots. The staff at the coffee shop didn’t exactly do a great job of cleaning the restrooms even with the ‘we pride ourselves in our cleanliness’ sign hanging on the door. The coffee stains on his shirt and jeans would be obvious for the rest of the night.

“Stupid fucker, never pays attention to anything.” Pete wasn’t talking to anyone in particular, just himself in the mirror. Pete tugged on the bottom front of his now damp and coffee stained shirt. His jacket and jeans also would smell of coffee for the rest of the night. If Pete wasn’t such a wimp, he would have walked out of the restroom, marched up to the booth and kicked Dane’s teeth to the back of his throat. Instead, he just sighed, thought about how ruined his night already was and turned to leave the restroom. Pausing to take one last look in the mirror, Pete ran his left hand through his feathered hair, pulled out his comb and brushed the tangles out of his mullet.

“Damnit,” just a sigh as Pete turned to grasp the large steel door handle and pull the door open.

Pete walked out of the restroom, turned towards the dining area and, rather than walking past all the non-smokers he had just recently offended, opted to take the short-cut through the kitchen area back to the booth where Byron and Dane were talking.

“Hey! You aren’t supposed to walk through here!” Nikki shouted from the salad station.

Pete ignored her and kept walking through. He knew that she wouldn’t do anything to stop him other than go whine at Philip, and everyone knew that Philip would never do anything to stop him or any of his friends from doing what they wanted. After all, they were all ’unofficial security’ at night for the coffee shop.

“You are such a dick-head.” Nikki liked Pete and his friends about as much as she enjoyed her annual exam with her gynecologist. She turned back to the salad station and continued dropping pre-made salads into the small glass bowls in front of her. The wilted lettuce and spongy carrot shavings would soon be covered in the dressing of choice for the people ordering them. Nikki drenched the five bowls of salad in dressing, placed them on the tray, and turned to walk out of the kitchen area.

“Tray out!” Nikki walked around the corner, tray held in one hand above her right shoulder, grabbed a tray stand and moved towards her table.

As Pete approached the booth, Byron and Dane were smoking and chatting.

“Hey, move you’re in my spot.” This was Pete’s attempt at being a tough guy. He was going to bully Dane into moving so he could sit by the window. Dane turned his bulbous head toward Pete, shrugged and slid toward the end of the booth.

“Sit down.” Dane was seated next to the window now. Pete stood there for a brief second, torn. He wanted to sit by the window, but he just didn’t have the balls to force the issue with Dane. Rather than push the issue, Pete slid in the booth next to Dane.

“Gimme my cup.” Dane slid the mug over to Pete, the small amount of cold coffee in the cup sloshed around at the bottom. Pete reached to the middle of the table, picked up the plastic coffee urn and poured some into his mug. After adding four packets of sugar and stirring loudly with the dirty spoon in front of him, he lifted the mug and swallowed.

“This stuff is horrible.” Pete mumbled placing the mug back on the table.

“So, what’s the plan? We just hanging out here tonight?” All Pete wanted to do was drink coffee and fantasize about ‘making love’ to Shelly. Pete never just thought about having sex, he thought if you were going to go to the trouble of taking off your clothes and touching boobies and sticking your penis in a vagina, you should be making sweet love to her. Like all other males in their mid-twenties, what he considered ‘making love’ was in reality just clumsy fumbling and three minutes of ecstasy followed by the embarrassing moment when you realize you have to pull the condom off your penis and have no place to put it. This usually is the case since he didn’t have his own place to go with women and he usually wound up having to ‘make love’ in the back seat of a car or behind some bushes in a nearby park.

“Let’s go to Sociables. We can get a beer and watch some titties.” Byron was already going with or without Pete. This was just a formality. Invite Pete, let him know that you were going, he would more than likely go. If he didn’t it was nobody’s loss but his own. At least if they went to the strip club he would have some new mental material for his nightly masturbation.

Pete gulped down the last of his coffee, banging the mug loudly on the table.

“Why not? Let’s go see some boobies!” his toothless grin was large on his face, if it were Halloween, he would have made an excellent Jack-O-Lantern. Sliding out of the booth he shrugged his jacket on his shoulders, stood up and walked toward Shelly.

“Hey, I’m leaving.” Pete opened his arms as he approached Shelly. He was moving in for the ‘good-bye hug’. His look of expectation was enough to turn Shelly’s stomach. Shelly tried to turn away and ignore Pete. Maybe if she appeared busy, he would go away and not want the hug. Not a chance. She would have to hug him to get him to leave her alone.

“Leaving already? What’s the occasion?” her animosity was obvious to everyone within earshot, except to Pete. Inside her head a brass band began playing every happy celebration song she had ever heard. This was great! Those losers were leaving, they were only in the coffee shop for just under an hour, must be some kind of record. She was curious though, what would draw them away from the coffee shop? There wasn’t a Metallica concert or anything tonight, all their other biker buddies hadn’t shown up, and none of them had looked at their pagers and used the desk phone.

“Why are you leaving so soon?” She knew she was going to regret this question, it would be just her luck that Pete and friends would decide to stay and not leave.

Embarrassed, Pete didn’t want to give her the answer. He was still wanting to make her his girlfriend, and firmly believed that if she knew he were going to Sociables, she would be disappointed. He stood there and, if he were a deer, he would have been creamed by the SUV bearing down on him.

“Uh…um..” He was just stalling now.

“Pete, you going to hug her or stare at her, let’s go!” Byron shouted at him from the entrance to the dining room.

“We got strippers to tip!!” Dane always with a lack of decorum announced to everyone within earshot. Shelly laughed.

“Strippers? Is that what it takes to get you to leave early?” Amused, she reached out and hugged Pete.

“Have fun, enjoy the show.” Pete embarrassed hugged Shelly, squeezing her tightly so he could feel her ample breasts push into his chest. This caused a slight erection, noticeable if you were looking closely at his skin tight Wranglers. Shelly noticed and giggled.

“It was Byron’s idea, not mine.” He was still trying to salvage his perceived embarrassment. He didn’t need to be, Shelly really could have cared less about what Pete did for fun, and if he were going to Sociables, he wouldn’t be in the coffee shop, and that meant she could have a night of peace, as peaceful as it would be in the coffee shop after the clubs closed.

“You need to pay for your coffee!” Nikki charged toward the doors nearly bowling over an elderly couple walking to the counter to pay for their meal. She was determined that they wouldn’t be getting out of their bill again.

Philip, standing behind the counter at the register, turned to Nikki.

“Nikki, you know I comp their coffees. Why do you always do this every night?” It was easier to comp some coffees and maybe some pie or an appetizer than have to deal with broken dishes and police reports should a fight happen to break out.

“They are mooches, Philip, they don’t do anything except hit on the bar sluts, and ogle us. They should be kicked out, not given free stuff!” Nikki was right for the most part, Byron, Dane and Pete rarely if ever actually DID anything. Most of the time if the three of them just walked up to the booth where the rowdy people were, and asked politely for them to behave they usually did. Philip just liked having them there, so he would continue to comp their orders.

“Oy, oy, oy, Nikki just go back to work. I will deal with this.” He really didn’t do well with confrontation and would rather she just left it alone. Philip waved to Byron and friends.

“Have fun, see you later?” He knew they would be back, just had to ask every time. After all, he did just comp their coffees, he should be getting some security out of it tonight.

“Yeah, we will be back in a couple hours. Keep our booth warm bud.” Byron waved over his shoulder as he walked out the door into the warm night air. It would be nice to hit the bar, have a beer, and watch some strippers for a while.

Byron, Pete, and Dane began walking the short distance from the coffee shop to Sociables, on the dark street the two prostitutes Byron and Pete saw earlier were still plying their wares. If all the street lights worked, they would have been able to clearly see the red track marks on the insides of their thighs. Instead, all they could see is skinny prostitutes looking for their next customer, desperate for their next fix, and willing to do just about anything to get it.

“Check her out, nice legs!” Dane was almost drooling. If the prostitute had been a bell, Pavlov would have been impressed with the reaction.

“Dude, that’s a hooker, you know that right?” Not surprised by Danes reaction, Byron just didn’t think he knew the difference between a street walker and an available girl out for a good time. He was after all a thirty-two year old virgin. Everyone knew this about Dane, and there were numerous theories as to why he was still a virgin. Dane said it was because he respected women too much to have sex with a woman outside of marriage, or at least a serious relationship, and that was the kicker. Dane refused to get into a relationship, because he was terrified that he would hurt her feelings and then she would hate him. Being a people pleaser left him lonely and with a very satisfied right hand. Byron believed that the reason he was a virgin was simply this: he was a social pariah, he didn’t have the decorum of a cockroach in a bathtub and was always saying the wrong thing and the wrong time. Well that, and the fact that he looked like a balding, red-headed Pillsbury Doughboy with a perspiration problem.

“They aren’t hookers, hookers don’t work this far south.” This was a surprising statement coming from Dane.

“Like you would know.” Jumping into the conversation, Pete had to get at least a jab in even if wasn’t all that creative.

“Dane, is there something you would like to tell us?” Byron tapped his index finger on his goateed chin, trying to do his best ‘I’m a shrink’ impression.

Dane stopped, placed his hands on his hips and thrust out his man boobs. “No, everyone knows hookers only work down on North Temple.” He was sure of this, or at least he wanted Pete and Byron to think he was. Being the know it all he was, he couldn’t possibly be wrong, and even if he were he would NEVER let them know or admit that he could be. “Well, North Temple and Second South.” He was confident now that they wouldn’t be able to ‘call him on it’. It was common knowledge, hookers all worked down there, that is Salt Lake’s ‘unofficial’ Red-Light District. He had never had the balls to go get himself some from a prostitute, although on numerous occasions all his friends had offered to put together a ‘Get Dane Laid’ collection so he could get a hooker. Pete always extolled the virtues of ‘getting some’ and Byron never let a day go by that he didn’t ask Dane if he could get him a hooker, Byron insisted that getting laid would relieve all that tension and he wouldn’t be so worried about hurting some poor girls feelings, and he could find a girl to hang with. That, and Pete said most women didn’t want to ‘train’ a thirty-two year old man how to ‘do it’.

Byron put his hands on Dane’s shoulders, leaned in close to his face whispering in a conspiratorial tone. “Dude they ARE hookers, and Pete and I will pay if you want to get some. Hell, we’ll pay for you to have both of em’ bro.” Moving one hand from Dane’s shoulder, Byron reached down and grabbed Danes butt. “You aren’t gay are you, you do like girls right?” needling Dane always made Byron’s night, and this was going to be NO exception.

“I don’t want a hooker, and I’m NOT GAY!” Dane was shouting by the time he finished the sentence, his voice echoed off the sides of the buildings, causing the prostitutes to pause and turn towards the three friends. In a slow flood, the blood rushed to his face the bald top of his head turning crimson in the yellow street lights.

One of the prostitutes, a thin Hispanic girl with thick black hair and smallish breasts turned toward the three friends. Walking to them, her hips swayed in a hypnotic rhythm, the metronome of the streets. She reached one thin hand up into her hair, pulling the long dark locks away from her narrow face. “Hey, you boys looking for a party, or just window shopping?” her heavy Spanish accent made her sound sultry and wanton at the same time. She stood there, placed her hands on her narrow hips just above the hot pink thong peeking above her leopard print mini-skirt. Her low cut halter top showed just enough of her cleavage to make a potential customer curious.

Dane stood there staring, his mouth agape and eyes bulging from their sockets. “Umm. I. Umm. Well..” he stammered. Byron stepped back, folded his arms across his chest, looked up at the streetlight above his head laughing. It wasn’t the kind of laugh you hear when a comedian is performing a hilarious routine. It was more the laugh of an evil genius seeing his plot come to fruition. Pete put his hands into his jacket pockets and stared at the ground in front of him as if he expected the ground to open up and some great revelation to occur.

The tension was visible. Nervous twitches and coughs came from both Dane and Pete, neither of them were willing to say anything to the prostitute in front of them and they didn’t dare look at her either. Instead, they both just alternately stared at the concrete and the traffic passing on State Street.

After more than a minute of tense silence, the prostitute began tapping her booted foot impatiently on the concrete, she was becoming obviously irritated. “So you guys gonna get with this or not?” she moved her hands up and down her body in a wavy motion as she said this. It was her attempt at being alluring. It came off as dirty, and unattractive. “Well, who wants his dick sucked?”

Curiosity was getting the better part of Byron now, he wanted to see how far he could push this situation before somebody went over the edge. “How much…for a whole deal, not just a B.J. but for everything?” Byron didn’t want anything from her. He had other plans. If she were cheap enough, Byron was going to buy either Pete or Dane a hooker and then give them grief about it for weeks to come.

It was amazing; her demeanor suddenly changed. No longer aggressive and annoyed, the prostitute became a salesperson. “Baby, it’s $10 for a B.J., $20 for a B.J. and straight up sex, and if you want my backdoor, you have to give me $20 more.” It was like hearing a waitress read off the daily specials at the local greasy spoon, very dry and businesslike. “Oh, and if all three of you want a go, it will cost you an extra $20 each.” She was all business, there was no coyness or shyness with her, just money.

Enjoying this conversation, Byron pushed on. “How much then for these two with backdoor and they get to come more than once?” Pete and Dane shocked, turned and glared at Byron. Their fear and embarrassment were obvious and hilarious as far as Byron was concerned, he was going to have some fun, even if it cost him some money.

Her eyes lit up like a kid at Christmas, “Umm. For both of them and backdoor and more than once. Hmmm. I’ll do it for $40 each.” Smiling, the prostitute thought she had just made an ‘easy’ $80.00. Her mind racing, she began calculating how quickly she would be able to get these two guys off and get to her dealers house to get her Heroine. She was feeling it, she knew she would need a fix soon. “Who’s first, my place is across the street.” She was pointing to the Temple Motel. It was a rat trap of a motel dilapidated roofs, dirty windows and doors, and the smell of sweat. The kind of place a crack-whore would work out of.

One more request, Byron was ready to see what she would say to this last request. “Wait, they both want to do you at the same time. They really like to see each other’s faces when they shoot.” This was evil he knew. Pete and Dane were both so homophobic that they refused to sit next to each other in a crowded movie theater. There was no way they would both get naked and screw a hooker in the same room at the same time.

The prostitute stepped back two steps from where she had been standing, put her hands up in front of her as if to ward off demons. Her eyes were the size of Frisbees. The shock of this statement had taken her by complete surprise. “No, no, I don’t do that. You two are some sick fucks!” she turned and ran across the street, nearly being run over by a large white pickup truck. The truck swerved, honking, tires squealing on the pavement. When she reached the other side of the street, she ran up to a large black man standing next to the motel with his arms folded across his chest. He was a giant of a man, nearly six foot four and not a pound under three-hundred and muscular as hell. She began waving her arms as if directing aircraft on an aircraft carrier.

The black giant of a man pointed across the street, the hooker nodded emphatically. “HEY! You sick fucks!” the giant began walking towards the three friends.

It was obvious this was not going to end well. Byron realized that he had probably pushed this gag too far. There was no reason to get himself and his friends killed tonight. “Guys, it’s time to go. That dude looks pissed.” The three friends abruptly turned and as quickly as their feet could carry them, they began running toward Sociables. The neon signage on the building beckoning them to the safety of the bar and bouncers. The flashing nude dancer flickered above the entrance to the bar. Looking over his shoulder Byron could see the black giant running behind them. As he reached the entrance, Byron reached out grasping the handle of the door. “Inside, get inside, no way he follows us in here.” Out of breath and panting heavily Byron, Dane, and Pete burst into the bar.