Jack Handy Quotes:
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.
If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
"There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable."
"I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album."
"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."
"In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it."
"If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences."
"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn."
"Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night."
"I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls."