Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I live with a Heathen!


I come home from work, ready to be a father and husband. What do I find? My wife in a TIZZY! The reason for this wasn't because our landlord kicked everyone out of our building and is going to sell it to Russian Mafia members to cook drugs, it wasn't because our son was attacked by midgets at school, it wasn't even because she thought she was pregnant and at thirty-eight wasn't ready to be a weeble again.


That wasn't it at all......

After talking to her for a few minutes and dodging flying dish towels and colorful metaphors, I finally pried out of her that she had been "graced" with a visit from the Jehova's Witness Missionaries. NORMALLY this isn't a cause to be upset, typically she would have said "no, thanks." and they would have been on their way.

Unfortunately, she was feeling generous. I say unfortunately because now she is angry, insulted and downright pissed off.

She let them in. THAT is where this story very quickly goes "down the tubes".

After a few minutes of them telling her how she needs to have her soul saved and the only way to do it is through "coming right with Jehova". She had some questions; Her first question was: "What does it take for me to get to heaven?" their response was "You don't get to go, you stay on earth with all of the good people." That is where the argument began.

She began by telling them that if she couldn't go to "heaven" what's the point of joining them or changing her beliefs. (She is agnostic). They told her that if she wasn't a "witness" she would go to hell.

She asked them if they were so good and religious, why do their churches have no windows? Some light and truth they have right? They responded that it was a concern about vandalism. If you are the right and true religion (read all the other Christian and non-Christian denominations) then you would have windows. At one point she pointed out that even the Satanic Church as a damn window. (natural light is a big deal for her).

They asked her if she believed that God was real and would pass judgment on mankind. She told them that she thought God was a loving fellow and would welcome everyone that tried to be good to heaven. She then asked them if they didn't think God had better things to do with his time than judge people for petty issues. This discussion went back and forth for a while, with my wife asking them questions from her agnostic point of view and them telling her she was wrong and would go to hell if she didn't change her beliefs to follow everything that the "Watchtower" told her to believe.

A few minutes of this went by, the discussion deteriorating into a full blown philosophical argument, Finally, probably out of desperation the male of the pair, red faced and frustrated shouted at her "You are a Heathen, and I damn you to hell!" (keep in mind they are in MY living room). My wife stood up, "You need to get the FUCK out of my house or I will cut you damn dick off asshole!" (She was NOT amused). The male again started in with the arguing and cajoling with her, mind you he didn't even attempt to apologize for his outburst, the female sat there next to him, looking like she wished she could crawl under the couch and escape. My wife stood up and walked to the kitchen, as she entered the kitchen, she shouted back to the "Missionaries" "You are gone when I come back in there, if not I WILL stab your asses!"

All she heard was the door slamming.

When I got home, she was still upset.

Folks, this is EXACTLY the right way to recruit new members to your Religion/Cult/Club/Business Right? I mean hell, if it were me and I were approached that way, I would DEFINITELY sign right up!

Have any of you had experiences like this with "J.W's"? Are they all this thick and dim witted?

I know Mormon Missionaries can be aggressive, but I have NEVER heard of any of them misbehaving like this....

How would you feel?

I think it's a powerful argument for why Atheism is SOOOO much better for your mind.


  1. Actually, I had some JW's come to my door a year plus back. It was a cordial conversation, as I told them I was "on their side" (this is when I still considered myself a believer. I had a brief exchange, and they gave me a pamphlet (which surprisingly makes for a good coaster) and left. I invited them back, but to my surprise they never returned. Maybe it's a southwest thing.

    But I have had numerous conversations with other religious folk about their beliefs, and more than once has it turned to anger. Religion inspires such a deep seated and intense emotional reaction that makes it very difficult to rationally discuss. It's amazing how people let their emotions blind them, exposing their "faith" as nothing more than passion-filled conjecture.

    I actually have similar experiences with scammers and Ponzi schemers, which says something when that is my comparison.

  2. Sadly,

    The comparison is closer than many religious folk are willing to admit. The truly funny thing about this is, I think my wife will no longer be willing to discuss religion with any 'missionary' that appears on our doorstep..

  3. You mean she doesn't want to be personally assaulted and ridiculed for having her own personal beliefs?! Boy, she'll be missing out.

  4. Exactly! She will just have to live with that I guess.

    I suppose if they were selling alarm systems or something that would be a good tactic.