Carlin,
One of the funniest comedians of all time. I found some of his greatest quotes and thought that I would share them with you all. Enjoy them, they make me laugh every time.
Always do whatever's next.
George Carlin
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
George Carlin
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
George Carlin
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
George Carlin
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
George Carlin
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
George Carlin
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
George Carlin
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George Carlin
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
George Carlin
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
George Carlin
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
George Carlin
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
George Carlin
Religion is just mind control.
George Carlin
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George Carlin
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin
The status quo sucks.
George Carlin
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
George Carlin
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
George Carlin
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
George Carlin
Think off-center.
George Carlin
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
George Carlin
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
George Carlin
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
George Carlin
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
George Carlin
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
George Carlin
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
George Carlin
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
George Carlin
Showing posts with label Quotes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Quotes. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Great Quotes from Great men and or women...
I stumbled upon these quotes in my travels across the internet (invented by Al Gore) while wearing my pants (invented by GW Bush). I thought I would share them with you all.
Enjoy!
1. Religion easily has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
2. Atheism: A non-prophet organization.
3. I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
4. Which is it, is man one of God’s blunders or is God one of man’s?
5. Faith means not wanting to know what is true.
6. Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.
7. What I see in Nature is a magnificent structure that we can comprehend only very imperfectly, and that must fill a thinking person with a feeling of “humility.” This is a genuinely religious feeling that has nothing to do with mysticism.
8. It seems to me that the idea of a personal God is an anthropological concept which I cannot take seriously. I also cannot imagine some will or goal outside the human sphere. … Science has been charged with undermining morality, but the charge is unjust. A man’s ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties and needs; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.
Albert Einstein, “Religion and Science”, New York Times Magazine, 9 November 1930
9. If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
10. The most henious and the must cruel crimes of which history has record have been committed under the cover of religion or equally noble motives.
Mohandas K Gandhi, Young India, July 7, 1950, quoted from Laird Wilcox, ed., “The Degeneration of Belief”
11. I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.
12. “It ain’t those parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.”
Mark Twain
13. A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.
Mark Twain
14. What God lacks is convictions — stability of character. He ought to be a Presbyterian or a Catholic or something — not try to be everything.
15. Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
Mark Twain, quoted from Curmudgeon-Online
16. “In God We Trust.” I don’t believe it would sound any better if it were true.
17. Shake off all fears of servile prejudices, under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God, because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear.
18. We are afraid of the known and afraid of the unknown. That is our daily life and in that there is no hope, and therefore every form of philosophy, every form of theological concept, is merely an escape from the actual reality of what is. All outward forms of change brought about by wars, revolutions, reformations, laws and ideologies have failed completely to change the basic nature of man and therefore of society.
19. The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason: The Morning Daylight appears plainer when you put out your Candle.
Benjamin Franklin, the incompatibility of faith and reason, Poor Richard’s Almanack (1758)
20. Lighthouses are more helpful then churches.
21. If God has made us in his image, we have returned him the favor.
Voltaire
22. Those who believe absurdities will commit atrocities.
23. Black holes would seem to suggest that God not only plays dice, but also sometimes throws them where they cannot be seen.
Stephen Hawking, NATURE, 1975
24. We could call order by the name of God, but it would be an impersonal God. There’s not much personal about the laws of physics.
25. Tradition becomes our security, and when the mind is secure it is in decay.
Jiddu Krishnamurti
26. The constant assertion of belief is an indication of fear.
Jiddu Krishnamurti
27. What can be asserted without proof can be dismissed without proof.
Christopher Hitchens
28. Christopher Hitchens On Jerry Falwell: If you gave Falwell an enema, he could be buried in a matchbox.
29. Religion is an illusion and it derives its strength from the fact that it falls in with our instinctual desires.
Sigmund Freud
30. Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people.
Karl Marx
31. The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
George Bernard Shaw
32. Men never commit evil so fully and joyfully as when they do it for religious convictions.
Blaise Pascal Quote
32. You’re basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.
Richard Jeni Quote
34. With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.
Steven Weinberg Quote
35. The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.
Delos B. McKown Quote
36. Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.
Edward Gibbon
37. Our ignorance is God; what we know is science.
Robert Ingersoll
38. The foolish reject what they see and not what they think; the wise reject what they think and not what they see.
Huang Po
39. Where knowledge ends, religion begins.
Benjamin Disraeli Quote
40. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish.
Quote from Unknown
41. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
Dave Barry
42. Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?
- Epicurus Quotes
43. The opposite of the religious fanatic is not the fanatical atheist but the gentle cynic who cares not whether there is a god or not.
Eric Hoffer Quotes
44. I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
Bill Maher
45. There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.
46. If we go back to the beginning, we shall find that ignorance and fear created the gods; that fancy, enthusiasm, or deceit adorned them; that weakness worships them; that credulity preserves them and that custom, respect and tyranny support them in order to make the blindness of men serve their own interests. If the ignorance of nature gave birth to gods, the knowledge of nature is calculated to destroy them.
Baron D’Holbach, cited in Jonathan Miller. (2004). A Brief History of Disbelief [TV-Series].
47. If I thought the Jews killed God, I’d worship the Jews.
Bill Hicks
48. Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.
Isaac Asimov
49. A belief which leaves no place for doubt is not a belief; it is a superstition.
José Bergamín
50. One of the great tragedies of mankind is that morality has been hijacked by religion.
Arthur C. Clarke Quotes
Enjoy!
1. Religion easily has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
2. Atheism: A non-prophet organization.
3. I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
4. Which is it, is man one of God’s blunders or is God one of man’s?
5. Faith means not wanting to know what is true.
6. Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.
7. What I see in Nature is a magnificent structure that we can comprehend only very imperfectly, and that must fill a thinking person with a feeling of “humility.” This is a genuinely religious feeling that has nothing to do with mysticism.
8. It seems to me that the idea of a personal God is an anthropological concept which I cannot take seriously. I also cannot imagine some will or goal outside the human sphere. … Science has been charged with undermining morality, but the charge is unjust. A man’s ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties and needs; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.
Albert Einstein, “Religion and Science”, New York Times Magazine, 9 November 1930
9. If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
10. The most henious and the must cruel crimes of which history has record have been committed under the cover of religion or equally noble motives.
Mohandas K Gandhi, Young India, July 7, 1950, quoted from Laird Wilcox, ed., “The Degeneration of Belief”
11. I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.
12. “It ain’t those parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.”
Mark Twain
13. A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.
Mark Twain
14. What God lacks is convictions — stability of character. He ought to be a Presbyterian or a Catholic or something — not try to be everything.
15. Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
Mark Twain, quoted from Curmudgeon-Online
16. “In God We Trust.” I don’t believe it would sound any better if it were true.
17. Shake off all fears of servile prejudices, under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God, because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear.
18. We are afraid of the known and afraid of the unknown. That is our daily life and in that there is no hope, and therefore every form of philosophy, every form of theological concept, is merely an escape from the actual reality of what is. All outward forms of change brought about by wars, revolutions, reformations, laws and ideologies have failed completely to change the basic nature of man and therefore of society.
19. The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason: The Morning Daylight appears plainer when you put out your Candle.
Benjamin Franklin, the incompatibility of faith and reason, Poor Richard’s Almanack (1758)
20. Lighthouses are more helpful then churches.
21. If God has made us in his image, we have returned him the favor.
Voltaire
22. Those who believe absurdities will commit atrocities.
23. Black holes would seem to suggest that God not only plays dice, but also sometimes throws them where they cannot be seen.
Stephen Hawking, NATURE, 1975
24. We could call order by the name of God, but it would be an impersonal God. There’s not much personal about the laws of physics.
25. Tradition becomes our security, and when the mind is secure it is in decay.
Jiddu Krishnamurti
26. The constant assertion of belief is an indication of fear.
Jiddu Krishnamurti
27. What can be asserted without proof can be dismissed without proof.
Christopher Hitchens
28. Christopher Hitchens On Jerry Falwell: If you gave Falwell an enema, he could be buried in a matchbox.
29. Religion is an illusion and it derives its strength from the fact that it falls in with our instinctual desires.
Sigmund Freud
30. Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people.
Karl Marx
31. The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
George Bernard Shaw
32. Men never commit evil so fully and joyfully as when they do it for religious convictions.
Blaise Pascal Quote
32. You’re basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.
Richard Jeni Quote
34. With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.
Steven Weinberg Quote
35. The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.
Delos B. McKown Quote
36. Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.
Edward Gibbon
37. Our ignorance is God; what we know is science.
Robert Ingersoll
38. The foolish reject what they see and not what they think; the wise reject what they think and not what they see.
Huang Po
39. Where knowledge ends, religion begins.
Benjamin Disraeli Quote
40. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish.
Quote from Unknown
41. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.Dave Barry
42. Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?
- Epicurus Quotes
43. The opposite of the religious fanatic is not the fanatical atheist but the gentle cynic who cares not whether there is a god or not.
Eric Hoffer Quotes
44. I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
Bill Maher
45. There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.
46. If we go back to the beginning, we shall find that ignorance and fear created the gods; that fancy, enthusiasm, or deceit adorned them; that weakness worships them; that credulity preserves them and that custom, respect and tyranny support them in order to make the blindness of men serve their own interests. If the ignorance of nature gave birth to gods, the knowledge of nature is calculated to destroy them.
Baron D’Holbach, cited in Jonathan Miller. (2004). A Brief History of Disbelief [TV-Series].
47. If I thought the Jews killed God, I’d worship the Jews.
Bill Hicks
48. Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.
Isaac Asimov
49. A belief which leaves no place for doubt is not a belief; it is a superstition.
José Bergamín
50. One of the great tragedies of mankind is that morality has been hijacked by religion.
Arthur C. Clarke Quotes
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